Doubting Tommaso

Good Engligh Subtitles for Baaria

2010-05-29T08:46:00.001-07:00

So I made my friends sit through Baaria even though the subtitles were horrible. In the end the subtitles were so bad that I had to rewrite them using Subtitle workshop (an excellent program that I recommend). You can find them at opensubtitles.org.

Translating the film posed several difficulties. First, I couldn't find a copy of the film with the original Sicilian dialogue, just the dubbed into Italian version. Granted, this made translating easier since Sicilian dialect dictionaries are rare outside of certain FBI training programs. Still I don't like the idea of doing a translation of a translation.

Another big issue was the expletives and put-downs. Here's an incomplete list of them and their clearest translation:

ignorante: ignorant person
vastaso: ill-mannered person (comes for the word for "porter" for some reason)
cornuto: literally, to have horns. Used to mean "cuckold".
faccia di porco: pig-face
camurria: an annoyance
craistuneddu: craistu means "kid goat" and eddu is the negative diminutive so this means "bad little kid goat"
vergogna: shameful act. also, shame itself.
morto di fame: literally, dead from hunger. Used to mean "poor person" or something like that
schifo: disgusting thing
fottere: to screw someone over
coglione: balls, ass, or dick. It's not clear. Often used in the construction "scazzare i coglioni" which literally means "to wreck someone's balls/ass/dick" but which isn't accurately translated as "bust your balls" since that phrase mostly means to give someone a hard time verbally.

Most of these don't have simple one word equivalents in English and when they do they don't carry the same amount of vulgarity: either too much or too little. Consequently in my translation the grandma has a bit of a potty mouth even though she doesn't really in the Italian version.

This brings us to the most difficult word of all: Minchia. This means penis in Italian but is used as an all purpose expletive. Where American's would say "oh shit" or "damn!" or any other one-word expletive that opens a sentence (e.i. "Fuck, that's big!") Italians use "minchia". They will also shorten it if they have nothing to express other than astonishment: "mi....!". In one particular case I wrestled with how to translate a particularly difficult usage of minchia for two days before I settled on "no shit". And this doesn't even go into trying to translate all the variations used like "minchiata" screwed up situation, "che minchia" which means something like "what the hell?" and "minchione" which my dictionary gives as idiot but whose construction renders is more like "big fat dick".

Besides the curse words I didn't run into many idiomatic issues. An interesting exception is that at a certain point someone says that a medicine makes him see "green mice" which I translated as "to see pink elephants". I couldn't resist the opportunity to translate one idiom with another of such similar construction even if my friends didn't know that pink elephants was an actual English idiom and not just a Dumbo reference.

New Job and Sicilian spinning tops

2010-02-24T19:58:00.000-08:00

I'm halfway through my first week of work and so far things have gone pretty well. I checked in my first batch of code today and although it was a simple task it was nice to know I could get up and running so quickly.

Between quitting my old job and starting my new one I had two weeks off so I went down to San Diego to visit my family and friends. My mom and I watched Baaria, the film about my parent's hometown. Also, Communists. But not bad Communists, Italian ones.

This film has a memorable scene involving a traditional kind of over-sized top that you spin with a long string so it goes really fast. In Italian it's a "trottola". In Sicilian, "strummula". After the film my mom remembered that she had my strummula from when I was a kid so she fished it out for me.

I had to buy a new string for it since the original is lost but this afternoon I had a chance to attempt throwing it. I couldn't get the hang of it though and it kept landing off it's point and crashing. To be completely honest, I never really learned to throw it correctly even as a kid. You're supposed to hold it upside-down in your hand when you throw (see this video) but I always held it right-side up for which I was derided for holding it "girly-style"*.

Eventually I decided to give up on girly-style and try throwing it the traditional way. And what do you know, I got it to work! Now, all I have to do is relearn how to get it to spin on my hand.

*In Sicilian «comu 'na fimmina».

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T08:06:00.001-08:00

I thought I'd write a blog post since I've been neglecting this poor old blog. I guess everything's moved to facebook now. Even my quixotic debates with conservatives (libertarian and otherwise) have moved there.

It's been a good decade for me. I've got a girlfriend and married her too. I learned to program well and got a good job. My Italian speaking skills have gone from embarrassing to "abastanza bene per un straniero". And I'm now able to sight-read sheet music reasonably well and play things in different keys. I have a lot to be grateful for and I am... very much.

WARNING: BORING PARAGRAPH AHEAD

I woke up yesterday very sick with a vision of a programming language where every variable except local ones were immutable. And returning a local variable from a method would make it immutable. The language would keep track of which methods mutated internal state and would only allow them to be called from the constructor or from a method where the object was local. Furthermore, it would have dependency injection built in. Also, duck typing. Probably someone has already invented a language like that. I should really learn more about language features. I'm to java-centric.

Ok. Enough of that. I was going to make waffles but we have no milk and the food-hole (re: Whole Foods) doesn't ope for another hour.

Italy: Part 2

2009-11-08T17:38:00.001-08:00

While we toured a lot of Sicily we did spend some time in Bagheria, my family's home town. While there my sister told me a story she had just heard that had to do with home my family came to live in San Diego.

It all started many years ago when a daughter was born to a family that lived on Corso Umberto (main street) right by the old Villa Palagonia. As she grew everyone in the town recognized her as the most beautiful girl in the village. Now, Bagheria isn't a big town I'll grant you. But even people outside the town agreed that she was the fairest. My sister explained that this woman was considered beautiful for three things: she had dark dark hair, light light skin, and big boobs.

Every week this most beautiful girl had a new fiancée. Partly this is because every man wanted her as his own but partly because - to this day - Italians will describe as "engaged" any couple that has gone out more than two times in a row. At any rate, this woman's heart was finally tamed by an visiting ex-pat that had immigrated to the US years before. After a quickie engagement he whisked her away to America.

Now at the time the US immigration laws stated that you could only become a citizen if you were related to a citizen and lived in the US for 9 months. So after she became a US citizen she brought her brother over who was my uncle by marriage. Once he became a citizen my father's sister could became one and then finally my father and mother. (It's the kind of story that would make Lou Dobbs mad if only my family spoke Spanish.)

I asked my sister if I had ever met this lady and she said that I must have. I don't remember her though. No doubt by the time I saw her time had taken it's toll and she was just another old Italian lady that I'd see at holidays and social gatherings.

Italy, primo parte

2009-10-31T00:18:00.000-07:00

I've put off writing about it but it's been a couple weeks since we got back from our two week trip to Italy and I suppose I ought to write about while it's fresh in my mind.

Though Lisa got to visit Italy when my sister got married we thought we'd swing by to meet with all my relatives who couldn't make it to the wedding.

Since we'd have to transfer at Rome, and since Barbara had never been to Europe we decided to spend a couple days in Rome checking out the sites. It was quite fun and we got to see the Colosseum, Palatine hill, the forum, the Sistine chapel and all that. It was pretty cool although it involved a lot of walking.

It was raining so hard when we arrived Palermo's airport that they shut down shortly after we arrived. Though I had never driven in Italy before we rented a cute little Fiat Panda and made our way to Bagheria, my family's home town.

Despite the rain the town was all aflutter because of the premier of Baarìa, a film about the town directed by native son Giuseppi Tornatore. By that time all of my relatives had seen it more than once and since Lisa and Barbara wouldn't be able to understand it we put off seeing it ourselves till it comes out here in the US. It looks like it'll be awesome though.

...

Oh no, this is turning into one of those posts that is so long no one reads it. I will continue it later.

More thoughts on free wil

2009-09-12T07:53:00.000-07:00

WARNING: Exciting philosophy/physics talk ahead. If you fail to read on I will not take it personally, even if you are my friend.

Photoshopping by Lisa S.

So here I am, reading a Hominids, a sci-fi Lisa recommended and trying to not write boring things about materialism, dualism, and consciousness when I stumble upon this passage of a character talking about consciousness:

No matter how many times you placed a trilobite at the same fork in the road, it will go the same way. A trilobite doesn't think; it doesn't have consciousness. It just processes the inputs of its senses and does what they dictate. No choice is made.
...
what we think of as intelligence, as sentience, doesn't arise from some biochemical network of neurons, or anything as crude as that. Rather, it arises from quantum processes. Specifically, [Roger Penrose] and an anesthesiologist named Hameroff argue that quantum superposition of isolated electrons in the microtubules of brain cells creates the phenomenon of consciousness.

Though it's a great book in other respects, this passage is the kind of stuff I just can't stand. Like time-travel in the Back to the Future films - it only makes sense if you don't think about it. Humans are conscious and unpredictable because we tap into quantum mechanical magic!

Now, I have no problem with fiction taking flights of fancy. But what we're talking about isn't being proposed as fiction. Roger Penrose is a real guy who - the internet informs me - actually wrote a book seriously proposing that human consciousness rests on quantum effects and that indeed - that free will requires Quantum Mechanics since everything else is just "deterministic".

I know this may come as a shock to most of you, but Quantum Mechanics is deterministic. Yes, quantum effects require spawning parallel universes, but the number and composition of these parallel universes is completely determined by what came before. The future seems unpredictable to us only because predicting "the future" doesn't make any sense when multiple futures awaiting multiple equally valid yous.*

The most ridiculous part of this whole line of thinking is; even if QM wasn't deterministic the argument would still fail. If the universe isn't deterministic, than the rules that govern it has some randomness. Well, big whoop. A trilobite doesn't seem any more impressive to me if it employs a random number generator to make decisions. Human free-will would not inspire more wonder if it employed a tiny roulette wheel in the brain.

I'd also like to say that as a student of physics I take offense at someone trying to use the well-deserved respect which Quantum Mechanics has earned in an effort to lend credence to their obviously amaterialistic - and thus unscientific - belief.

*I'm relaying QM as explained by the many-worlds interpretation. The rival theory, termed the Copenhagen interpretation, is pretty silly and posits a magical observer induced wave-form collapse to preserve a single world. Needless to say I see no reason why we ought to accept that.

Free will

2009-08-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

This may bore most of my readers (even more than my posts do regularly) so be advised: possible philosophy/physics talk ahead.

I've been reading Overcoming Bias lately and though I certainly don't agree with everything they write it has helped me come to some new understandings free will and all that good stuff.

Free will is the idea that rational agents exercise control over their actions and decisions. People certainly feel like they have free will (I know I do) but a lot of people find the concept problematic. A lot of people seem to believe that their mind is somehow separate from the brain (or body or whatever) and this leads to all kinds of bizarre problems.

Take a simple example: I bring a fruit to my mouth and eat it. Clearly my hand moved the fruit in response to signals from my nerves. The nerves fired because neurons in my brain did.

If you're a materialist like me it's enough to observe that my brain is me so clearly I exercised control over my actions. But most people don't think the self is the brain. They reason that if the self is just made up of atoms acting according to physical laws, then the actions of the brain are in some sense predetermined. And they argue that if something is predetermined then there is no decision happening at all. And - they argue - if there was only one way the situation could have played out how can you hold people accountable for their actions? How can the concept of "culpability" be salvaged?

I think the right way to think about it is this: The brain is the self. Culpability stems from susceptibility to persuasion. That is, punishment can be justified if doing so will actually persuade the punished to not transgress again. This doesn't require non-determinism or consciousness or anything! Hell, you can punish a robot if you think it'll persuade it to stop doing what you don't want.

With this new understanding of culpability a lot of formerly mysterious moral concepts seem a lot clearer. For example, it explains why the same crime can lead to harsher or lighter punishments depending on the state of mind of murderer. It explains why insanity is actually a defense. And of course we've explained free will without recourse to magical non-material actors.

Canada!

2009-07-28T15:14:00.001-07:00

Lisa and I flew up to Peterborough Canada over the weekend to attend a friend's wedding. It was really beautiful notwithstanding the mosquitoes. Some highlights:

Got to see Ned, a friend from many years back. I don't get to see him often since he lives in China working for a company that makes low-cost lights (or something) for third world countries. Anyhow, I told him to look me up on facebook sometimes but he explained that it's often fire-walled in China. Yet another reason to prefer democracy I suppose.

Also, this same friend loaned me the use of some bug repellent which he got while visiting Africa. If that's what Africans are using you know it's got to be some good repellent. Hmm... Somehow I think that slogan wouldn't work in a US ad campaign: "So powerful, it's what Africans use!"

As friends of the groom we got shuttled off to one of the distant low-status tables. I'm fine with that because I got a chance to chat with all their NYU Director friends. We came up with an idea for a movie called "Divorce Party Planner" whose plot is exactly what it sounds like. We fleshed out most of the plot and decided that Matthew McConaughey should star (though Luke Wilson would also do). Eventually the conversation got cut short by a far too long argument over whether or not it would be a good idea to open a "Sniper school".

Also, on the way back I lost my keys. This stranded me and the ever patient Lisa at the airport where we parked our car days before. Only the heroic efforts of Paul Bruno saved the day. Thank you Paul for getting Lydia's house key's from her at the Korean restaurant, using them to retrieve her copy of my house keys from her apartment, using those to get into my apartment to get my car key, returning Lydia's keys, and then driving to the Oakland airport to drop them off. Seriously, that's a true friend.

UPDATE: My keys have been found at the home we stayed at in Canada. Hooray!

The fountainhead

2009-07-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

I just watched (most of) The Fountainhead: the 1949 film based on the Ayn Rand book of the same name. The story is about a architect who wants to design modern looking buildings and won't compromise with "the masses" who want old-timey greek/gothic facades. The story is inspired by the works of Frank Loyd Wright's ground-breaking work in architecture (but not his philosophy - Wright wasn't a selfish prick).

First thing's first: this was a really bad movie. And not bad in a way incedental to it being an adaptation of an Ayn Rand book - any good book can make a bad movie if poorly executed. No, this film was bad precisley because Ayn Rand's book was bad. (To paraphrase Futurama: Your book's bad and you should feel bad.) The most immediatly striking failure is the dialogue which couldn't sound more lifeless and robotic if it were emmited in a binary series of long and short beeps from a computer's internal speaker. Here's an example:

Before you can do things for people, you must be the kind of man who can get things done. But to get things done, you must love the doing, not the people! Your own work, not any possible object of your charity. I'll be glad if men who need it find a better method of living in the house I built, but that's not the motive of my work, nor my reason, nor my reward! My reward, my purpose, my life, is the work itself - my work done my way! Nothing else matters to me!

The character's are transparent props for Rand to explain her philosophy of selfishness. This maybe wouldn't be a problem if the philosophy was interesting. But it isn't. And I guess that's my main problem with the movie. Take the above quote. The main character is trying to explain why he's so uncompromising. His reward is the love of doing he explains. But he doesn't love doing just anything. He only likes doing things in a specific way. Why? Why does he conform to the constraints imposed by the building material but not to the constraints imposed by the unrefined tastes of the masses?

In the book, as in real life, Moderist architecture is based on the idea of form following function. But one can't judge how well a building functions without taking into account the opinions of the people in it. Indeed, modernist architecture fails precisely when it doesn't account for the aesthetics of "the common man" Ayn Rand so loathed. When it does account for that aesthetic, like in much of Frank Lloyd Wright's work, it's awesome.

The real reason Ayn Rand so dislikes the common man is that her formative years were spent escaping the Bolsheviks with her Russian bourgeois family. It's not clear that her opinions should be of any interest to people that don't share such atypically narrow personal experiences.

Married

2009-06-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

So much has happened since the last post that this one will be even more disjoint than normal.

1. I got married to the awesomest girl ever. Let it be known that Lisa is totally neat-o and cool. The wedding (which Lisa did most of the planning for) was really really beautiful and we all enjoyed it very much. More photos will come soon.

2. We went on our first honeymoon in South Lake Tahoe (we'll take a luna di miele in Sicily this September). We did a lot of hiking and wildlife viewing and saw more varieties of squirrels than I've ever seen in my life: The Douglas Squirrel, the Chipmunk, the Golden-mantled Ground Squirrel and more. Also, of course, we saw many new birds including Clark's Nutcracker which had the audacity to surprise us in the parking lot before we even began our day's hike.

2b. We stayed at a hotel courtesy of my mom who got us a gift certificate as a present a while back. The hotel itself was nice but it's connected to one of those scam time-share companies (see here, here and here). Of course, we didn't know any of this when we showed us since they were real diligent to not market the gift certificate under their real name. We only found out about their offer when we checked in and they offered us a "free" dinner in a fancy boat if we listened to a 90 minute presentation. The guy was really pushing us to take the offer then and there. Even though he swore up and down that there might not be space available if we waited, we pushed back and insisted that we think it over. I'm glad we did: we ended up refusing and had a wonderful time.

3. We got back yesterday to find many presents awaiting us which is nice. Lisa and Lydia made a fort out of the boxes. Unfortunately we've found that Nature Conservancy doesn't seem to be telling us who donated in our name which makes it very difficult to thank people properly. I'm going to try to phone them tomorrow to see if I can get answers.

4. A couple hours ago we found a baby California Towhee in trouble. It had somehow fallen out of it's nest and it's parents were repeatedly trying to call to it to fly even though it clearly was not yet capable of doing so. Since there are cats around we decided to help out and try to return it to it's nest. Unfortunately we couldn't find it so following some on-line advice we made a fake one out of a wedding gift box and some tissues. We tried to place it in a inconspicuous place but we eventually had to duck-tape it to a tree. Good luck, little towhee.

(Note: Wedding photo credits go to the excellent Luke Snyder)

Getting married tomorrow

2009-06-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

There's not much more to add. Lisa and I have been dating for about 6+ years so I suppose it won't change things much. Still, I'm really looking forward to seeing all our friends together and making it clear that - when it comes to me and Lisa - Our love is here to stay.

One thing about planning a wedding: who would suspect we knew so many people? When we reserved the reception space we thought certainly 80 spots would be more the sufficient - but we were wrong. We didn't even come close to exhausting the list of people we wanted to invite. There were lots of childhood friends, high school buddies and college pals that I wanted to invite but couldn't due to space limitation. If any of you are reading this: please accept our apologies.

More thoughts on marriage later... after I'm married.

Note: the picture above is the first known picture featuring both Lisa and I together... in the same photo. I'm not sure if we had actually met yet.

Lost my wallet

2009-06-13T17:09:00.000-07:00

Lost my wallet today. Lame. Hopefully someone will google my name. There aren't too many Tommaso Sciortino's in the California.

UPDATE: Some guy found it and is going to get it back to me. Hooray!

Worst Son

2009-05-27T22:43:00.000-07:00

I'd been trying to contact my sister all last week in order to arrange a present for my mom's birthday. Since she lives with my mom in San Diego she's in the best position to know what my mom actually wants, and to get it to her. This is something we do every year and for which I am eternally grateful to my sister. And even though my sister does all this work she is happy to split the bill and the thanks 50/50. Again, my sister is great.

On Monday my sister and I finally get in touch with each other. We decide that a massage would be a good gift this year. The plan is set.

On Tuesday I get back to work to realize I'm going to have a particularly short week due to the Google I/O conference I'll be attending. I work so diligently that I hardly have time to check my email (which I normally do a lot). The kick-off for the conference that happens that night, plus some drinks with coworkers afterward, and I hardly have time to kiss Lisa goodnight before going to bed.

On Wednesday after the conference ends for the day I call my mom to wish her a happy birthday. Wrong, she says. Her birthday was yesterday. The moral of the story: if I don't have time to check Google calendar, I will forget my own mom's birthday even though I was planning for it the day before.

Saw this on boing boing

2009-05-12T21:58:00.000-07:00

More wacky Italian interpretations of American songs. The choreography in this one is awesome.

Curing heartburn by shooting the moon

2009-05-01T13:44:00.000-07:00

For the past couple years I've been suffering from what the doctors call "functional heartburn". This means that everything going on in my GI tract is normal but I feel pain anyways. Their best guess was that my esophagus is hypersensitive to the acids that are normally supposed to be there. After going through a whole pharmacy worth of drugs - including proton pump inhibitors - they found that the only thing that worked was tiny doses of imipramine which come in the tiniest pills I've ever seen. But that's just a local anesthetic. Even then I had to really watch what I ate. Granted, there are worse maladies to have but it was pretty annoying.

Eventually the doctors didn't have any more to say so I started to look to "alternatives". A family friend got me some alternative medicine from Mexico (for which I thank her very much) but nothing seemed to work. It felt like the better I was about my diet the more sensitive I got.

Eventually I got the idea that I could cure my heartburn by pulling a complete 180: instead of avoiding heartburn causing food, I'd seek them out. The theory being that if the mouth could get desensitized to spicy food by eating more of it, maybe the esophagus could get desensitized to heartburn by experiencing more of it. I call this strategy "shooting the moon" from a rule in the card game hearts where one can win the round by collecting all the negative valued cards that players normally avoid.

It's been a couple months and though my heartburn has not gone away it is definitely much better. I can sleep laying down which I haven't done in like, 3 years, and I can drink beer again. Hooray! I'm already back up to 160 pounds which is about as much as I've ever weighed. The only thing remaining is the imipramine which I still need to sleep but I plan to reduce my dosage with time.

To cap it all off I went to the doctor the other day (I had made the appointment months ago when my heartburn was still really bad) and told him and his response was "Yeah, I guess that makes sense." Well thanks for telling me, foolio. I think I just started hating the American healthcare system even more. I didn't even know that was possible!

Easter

2009-04-13T21:08:00.000-07:00

I went to San Diego for Easter to see my family. I saw my mom and sister of course but also some Italian cousins via Skype. Thus I scored some more Italian language practice.

I also hung out with some old San Diego buddies at U31. This bar would have made me feel old only I never liked loud music even when I was young. The company was good and the music selection was nice. Also, maybe I'm used the lily white Oakland Art murmur, but looking at the crowd at U31 was like seeing America's multi-ethnic future. Let me say that it looks fine. To the girl with the afro: bravo.

My mom's habit of singing Italian pop hits from the 60's makes a lot more sense now that I understand the songs. In the below super popular song "Fatti Mandare dalla Mamma" the singer implores his lady to come down from her balcony and talk to him. As a pretense (since she can't possibly tell her parents she's going out to talk to a boy) he suggests that she asks her mom to let her go out and buy some milk. Thus the props you can see in the hilariously over-the-top dance number.

New blog

2009-03-30T13:37:00.001-07:00

Like birds and wild animals? Like looking at dead things? Well, Lisa has a new blog up so I recommend you all go read it.

http://duck-is-a-4-letter-bird.blogspot.com/

New term to describe bad programming: Biological

2009-03-07T07:39:00.000-08:00

Quick quiz: what does the pancreas do? That's a trick question. It does a whole bunch of things. It secretes hormones into your blood and makes digestive juices. It also secretes insulin that regulates sugar. For all I know its probably also an email client.

The pancreas is probably pretty efficient at what it does. But it still represents the product of a system that has little respect for architectural planning. The development process (evolution) consists of randomly tweaking past implementations and then running them past a very thorough QA process (seeing if it dies). This is why scientists still struggle to understand how the body works: it respects no rules but those imposed by the hardware - no structure except that provided by the vagaries of history - and no order whatsoever.

When most people first begin programming their code is both badly architectured and poorly implemented. I know mine was. But while most developers quickly appreciate how a better implementation can help their code fewer appreciate architecture. Consequently many misdirect their efforts at self-improvement and end up writing poorly architected code with better and better implementations. In essence, the code becomes more and more biological - but that's not the same as good.

Good code strives to be boring and to be structured. Learning good code is easy because it's so organized. Modifying it easy because it's clear what each part does. Parts that do separate things (like digestion and hormone production) are kept separate. Even if it means a little inefficiency seeps in. A good developer would never put the end of the digestive system right next to the start of the reproduction system - not even if that would require fewer lines of code (which it undoubtedly did).

The point is: software isn't biology. Unlike Mother Nature software developers can take time out to architect their code before they start and re-architect it when changes warrant it. Let this be a lesson to you!

Things are funnier in other languages

2009-02-26T15:54:00.000-08:00

After many months of off and on reading I have finally finished "La Vampa D'agosto" in the original Italian/Sicilian. Here is my book report:

The story follows Italy's favorite Sicilian detective Montalbano as he tracks the killer of a girl whose body is found 7 years after the fact in a forgotten apartment (which is literally buried to get around certain Italian building permit red-tape). The prime suspect has an air-tight alibi that is undone in the end by Italy's unreliable air travel system: he couldn't have been on a plane to Bangkok that day - there was a strike! Complicating it all is the victim's sexy twin sister who is inexplicably attracted to the 50-something Montalbano.

All in all it's a delightful noir-style detective novel where "heat" - the incredible all-pervading heat of Sicily in August - plays the same metaphorical roll that "night" usually does in these kinds of thrillers. Not only does Montalbano work in a police station with no air conditioning, but he's forced to return to the dank underground crime scene again and again. Seriously. By the end of the novel he's so over heated that he basically strips down to his underwear at every opportunity. Like 4 or 5 times. And if the heat representing Montalbano's stymied desire to catch the killer isn't clear enough the sexy twin sister is always accompanied by cooling imagery. But beware the ice-queen's double cross!

I put my comprehension at somewhere around 70%. To give you a feel for where I'm at here's a line from the book plus my own translation.

Montalbano satò fora. Adriana si era rapruta, strazzannola, la cammisetta, aveva le minne di fora. Spitaleri tiniva 'un cuteddro in mano e stava avanzanno contro. Caminava rigido, pariva un pupo meccanico.
«Fermo!» gridò il commissario.

Translates to me as:

Montalbano jumped out. Adrian was ?????, strangling her, the shirt, she had her ????? out. Spitaleri held a knife in his hand and was advancing against her. He walked rigidly, like a mechanical puppet.
"Stop!" yelled the detective.

As you can see, I can get the jist but I could certainly stand some improvment.

Dragon Quest 8 and Organ theft

2009-02-08T18:33:00.000-08:00

I realize that I haven't posted for nearly a month and all I can say in my defense is: I had a tube up my nose and it was very uncomfortable. I had a tube up my nose because the heartburn doctor wanted to see if I really had too much acid in my stomach and the best way they have of testing that is to put a tube up your nose and down your throat and leave it there for 24 hours. They don't observe you for 24 hours mind you, they just stick it in and tell you to drive yourself home and come back in the morning.

I've never felt weirder than I did walking to my car with a tube up my nose.

In order to get my mind off the T.U.M.N. I decided to use a strategy that served me well when I was recovering from hip surgery: playing video games. I pulled out the Dragon Quest 8 DVD and - before I knew it - not only was the tube out of my nose, but several weeks had passed.

Thus the lack of posts.

To aid my Italian comprehension I've been watching an Italian series "Commissario Montalbano" about a Sicilian detective who solves crimes in every scenic Sicilian locale. It's interesting not just because it's nice to see Sicilians in film on the right side of the law**, but because it's obviously tailored to an Italian audience. So it goes into issues like political corruption and illegal immigration* from angles you wouldn't normally see in American films.

Most interestingly, it's clear that the range of believable plot devices is different owing to a different set of urban myths. American's might be more liable than Europeans to believe - let's say - criminals using auto-replies to find out which houses to burgle. If only for a work of fiction. From the Montalbano films it's clear that Italians find stories of organ theft more believable since that trope has appeared in two separate Montalbano films.

Funny since I specifically remember, as a child, my cousin warning me that children would get kidnapped by people who wanted their organs. That’s how these things work I guess: in Korea apparently, they believe that electric fans can kill you.

*Apparently when it comes to illegal immigrants, Sicily is the San Diego of Europe.

**Contrary to what American TV would have you believe the vast majority of Sicilians are not involved with the mob nor are they Bea Arthur's wise-cracking mom.

New year's resolution

2009-01-09T06:34:00.000-08:00

I tend to have outsized control over the conversation. I think this is mostly because I have a deep voice and a very short pause length which means I'm usually the first to start talking when there is a lull (Lisa's linguist mind attributes this to my Italian upbringing). Swaying the conversation to topics that interest me wouldn't be a problem if I were a more well-rounded individual but the truth is conversations with me will almost always drift toward one of the following topics:

Italy
Politics
Computers & Programming
Science & Genetics

Occasionally I will even get a twofer, i.e. Italian politics, genetic programming.

With a desire to not bore my friends, and to listen more closely to them I've made a new years resolution to not try to actively sway the conversation to Politics and Italy so often. This is a little quixotic, I know: one can't participate in a conversation without effecting the topic. Still, I think it might be useful so I'm going to give it a try.

To increase my self-consciousness I invite anyone who thinks I missed a few well-worn topics in my above list to suggest additions in the comment section.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

2008-12-26T16:35:00.001-08:00

I know it's late but part of the meaning of Christmas is getting time off from work and being lazy. Below: a photo I took of Lisa taking a photo of the snow on Christmas morning.

My mom

2008-12-05T05:13:00.000-08:00

My mom has been learning about the computers for a while now but has recently improved remarkably*. As recently as three years ago my mom couldn't use a mouse. Now she can not only search the internet and e-mail friends, she can video chat with relatives in Europe.

Since we've spent the last couple Christmases with my family Lisa and I decided to do Christmas with her family this year. Consequently, my family got Thanksgiving instead. I took the opportunity to introduce my mom to YouTube. I thought she would enjoy it. In return my mom took me on a YouTube journey of the music of her youth.

My mom grew up in Sicily in the 60s which - technologically speaking - was a lot like growing up in the US in the 40s. She remembers when only one person on her block had a TV. But in music at least Italy was about as advanced as America. In fact many of the same were popular in both Italy and the US. The difference is that Italy would usually get an Italian language cover. The poster child for this effect is Sognando California the Italian version of California Dreaming:

But they weren't always just covers. Many of them were performed by the same artists... just, in Italian. Stevie wonder stands out in this regard with several Italian versions of his popular hits. My personal favorite Il sole è di tutti (the Italian version of A Place in the Sun) doesn't seem to be on YouTube at the moment but here's Stevie Wonder covering the Italian song Se tu ragazzo mio ("if you, my boy") at the San Remo Festival (a kind of traditional Italian version of American Idol).

Mom says she thought this song was too old-timey when she was young but now she likes it. I think it's pretty hip.

*You don't have to take my word for it. Her improvement is remarkable and I shall prove it by remarking upon it here.

Update: better version of Sognando California by the ridiculously named band "Dik Dik"

Newer bubble code

2008-11-30T16:46:00.000-08:00

WARNING! THE "GAME" DOES NOT WORK YET! THE APPLET BELOW IS JUST A SANDBOX FOR TESTING.

I've got the random spawning working now.

In which I decide to not be so small

2008-11-21T15:04:00.001-08:00

Those of you who know me, or who have been introduced to me, or have merely been in the same room as me, know that I am not fond of libertarianism or libertarians.

I should be clear here that when I say "Libertarianism" I use it in the sense of a coherent ideology separate from classical liberalism. I've found a lot of people use the term to mean

Likes making money and hates both political parties equally
Conservative but not Republicans
Believes strongly in civil-liberties (but who may support socialized medicine)
Strict Constructionist regarding the constitution (with the special proviso that Lincoln twisted the "true" original meaning with his amendments)

I don't want to argue over whether those definitions are right or wrong (they're wrong) I just want to make it clear that when I say libertarian I mean someone who believes roughly that taxation is theft, the unregulated marketplace works best, and that without the government people would be freerer and happier.

"But surely, Tom," you'll say. "Such people don't actually exist do they?" In fact, they do. They oppose universal health care and environmental regulation. They also think the problem with the economy is that the Republicans regulated it too much. I've been arguing with one online for a while and I think it may be the equivalent of being caught smoking and being forced to smoke a whole pack as punishment.

I'm contemplating letting go of my hatred for Libertarians.

It's not that I've stopped disagreeing with them. It's that I'm beginning to appreciate that our beliefs are the result of a lot of things beyond our control - our family, our friends, our experiences - and that you can't really hold them responsible if they've been unlucky enough to end up in a situation where they believe dumb things. The same goes for the geocentrists and religious fundamentalists I've argued with. You can try to stop them from acting on those stupid beliefs (if it affects you) but the next few years are probably going to be a low-point of Libertarian influence and we ought to let them be.

Newer bubbles

2008-11-17T14:03:00.000-08:00

This is less prone to crashing unless several bubbles pop at the same time.

Shift-click: creates new bubble
Click: switches bubbles

--- removed ---

Yes we did!

2008-11-05T17:47:00.000-08:00

For me, the election of Barack Obama was, kind of anti-climactic. After having hoped for a Democratic victory for 8 years it was odd to find myself at the end of the night playing "guess that 80's sitcom theme song" with my friends*. Taken as a whole though it was pretty impressive to witness the election of the first black president, the first non-southern Congressional majority since Reconstruction, and the first solidly liberal government since LBJ.

It is certainly possible to win a narrow victory based on personal appeal without winning a mandate. Bush discovered when he tried to privatize Social Security. But that's not what we witnessed. The Democratic victory was a rejection of Bush, yes. But it was also a ratification of the Democratic majorities in Congress who for the last 2 years have sent bill after bill to the white house only to see them shot down. The expansion of the Democratic majorities is a positive vote for Democratic leadership on the environment, the health care crisis, and foreign policy.

Though Americans voted for a clear direction on those issues last night the rickety American political system will make it very difficult for Democrats to institute their agenda. The filibuster - contrived to protect minorities - may allow a recalcitrant and unpopular Republican rump to endanger our environment, our economy, and our nations fiscal standing. We're only going to get what the 4 least conservative Republicans approve of. And that's why I don't feel like the pressure has let up after this election: the fight has only just begun.

I remember 4 years ago, reeling from a Democratic defeat** talking a friend who was of the Republican persuasion. I told him frankly that both sides had gotten their chance to present their plans and that - having won both elected branches - the Republicans won the right to institute their plans relatively unhindered. Soon enough, I told him, we'd have a nice long look at what Republican governance is like and we wouldn't have to debate if it would be good or bad, it'll be self-evident.

Well, you know how that turned out. Last night, the Democrats got their turn. I think they'll do well, but in 2 years we won't have to debate whether the Democrat's platform is good or bad: it'll be clear. Like most Democrats I'm pretty confident the next several years will reflect well on our platform. Let's finally see if we're right!

*For the record, Lydia and I blew away Zack and Lisa.
**A defeat that wasn't nearly as resounding as the one Republicans experienced last night.

(Map courtesy of Mark Newman)

Morphing Bubbles!

2008-10-25T12:47:00.000-07:00

WARNING! THE "GAME" DOES NOT WORK YET! THE APPLET BELOW IS JUST A SANDBOX FOR TESTING.

Below you can see an example of the game engine. I will be adding more logic later to handle scoring and (more importantly) popping of bubbles.

Right now you can do the following:
1. Click to add a new bubble.
2. Hover over bubbles to select duos.
3. Click while hold "shift" to switch the duo in a very cool morphing effect.
4. Watch two bubbles merge if they have the same color and are touching.

-- removed for speed --

Attention: People who want to contact Carl Sciortino

2008-10-10T15:09:00.000-07:00

My e-mail address, though very short and snazzy does in fact deliver messages to me, Tommaso, and not Massachusetts State Representative Carl Sciortino. I'm pretty sure Carl doesn't go around handing out my e-mail address so if you're sending something to me it's probably because you remembered it wrong.

To be honest I don't mind forwarding the occasional e-mail. I'm also a Democrat, and I'm proud to have someone who is almost certainly a distant distant relative serving in government. But you shouldn't depend on the kindness of strangers.

That is all.

Adventures in Notarizing

2008-10-08T18:09:00.000-07:00

A month or so back I got my first moving violation ticket.

My family has long known about the notorious ticket-trap at Fury Ln & Wieghorst Way. We've seen many a driver getting ticketed for failing to come to a full and complete stop. But for some reason when I was last in San Diego I decided to roll through stop perhaps trusting to my luck to save me. Well, no such luck was to be had.

I knew that I was getting a ticket as soon as I looked to my left where the police car is usually parked. To my surprise, a police car was parked there. I saw him. He saw me. I decided that I was clearly guilty as sin so there was really no way out of it. I just pulled over. He didn't even need to turn on his siren.

The penalty for performing a California Stop in California is apparently about $300. This I didn't mind as much; I was after all guilty as sin*. The annoying part was the traffic school. I choose an on-line course that was only slightly annoying and at the conclusion I had to get the final test notarized so I could get credit for it.

I kept on putting it off until the deadline drew near but when I investigated my options I found that there weren't that many notarization places open when I wasn't working. Over three consecutive week-ends I tried to get the test notarized and each time I failed. Finally, today, I decided that I was going to get this damn thing notarized come hell or high-wasted pants.

Well... I can tell that this is boring you guys. To make a long story short I gave up and on my way home I realized that there was a notary place on the block where I live and that is was open. I got it notarized there.

*Also, unlike some anarchist libertarians I accept the legitimacy of the state.

Less bugs

2008-10-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

Ok. Here's the latest code. It should have fewer bugs though you can still get it to crash if you work really hard. Let me know your frame rate in the comments.

--Removed--

Another day, another feature

2008-09-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

Ok! Now you can pick where you want to add a new bubble and if you hold down *shift* you can join bubbles as well. Also, I added a stylish background.

There are some bugs. If a bubble gets too big it starts acting all crazy and there are some artifacts after joining bubbles.

Also, I'm displaying the framerate in the corner. Leave a comment telling me what frame rate you get after adding 20 bubbles (without popping any).

--- applet removed ---

Update: After telling my mom about my bubble program she directs me to this Italian song from her youth: Le mille bolle blu.

Progress!

2008-09-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

It seems that developing the bubble game is a lot easier the second time around. I've gotten to the point where you can add new bubbles and where the bubbles will actually slide past each other if necessary. Since I'm using Bezier curves from the java core I can take advantage of built in anti-aliasing so the bubbles should look smoother too.

Click to add more bubbles!

-- Taken down --

Russian River

2008-09-19T17:23:00.000-07:00

Lisa and spent a couple days up north at Russian River earlier this week. We stayed at Guerneville which is up river a little from the coast.

We drove out to the beach one day and saw some kind of mystery animal washed up on the beach. It was a bit bigger than your hand, red, and looked kind of like a starfish except for the fact that it had bilateral symmetry. After several tries we were able to throw it back into the water but the origins of the mystery animal baffled us for days. It proved very hard to google. After a couple days of roaming around the mollusca section of wikipedia I was able to identify it as a gumboot chiton. Weird!

We also kayaked. For some reason we decided to take the longer route: 10 miles. I guess we thought it would be easier since it was downstream. We didn't realize that the see breeze would cancel out any impetus imparted by the current. By 5 miles we had experienced a full day of kayaking. By 8 we were incredibly tired and couldn't wait to be done. By the time we saw the town our arms were stumps of pain. Let this be a lesson to you.

Sisyphus begins again

2008-09-11T22:18:00.000-07:00

Since I have a week or so before my new job kicks in - and since my plans to go to New York have fallen through - I've decided to take another swipe at my old bubble game.

The main issue with the old bubble game was that it was too processor intensive so I couldn't get enough performance out of it for really fun game play. The reason it was so processor intensive is that I used a point-mass system for keeping track of the physics in the game. That's what happens when you approximate bubble walls with hundreds of little points, each of which has to have its position, velocity, and acceleration tracked and recomputed between each frame.

So I needed a quick way to approximate a curved line (or a straight one too) and track its motion without all the fuss and muss. Enter Bezier Curves. These little thingamaslugs allow me to represent an entire curved line with just four--count 'em--FOUR--points! Below is the result of my first experiment: Two bubbles using twelve points.

It's not perfect (a bit too fat) but I'm going to start integrating this into my other code before fine tuning that.

--taken down--

The Job Situation

2008-08-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

Well, as most of you are aware I quit my old job a couple months back and have been looking for a job since the beginning of this month (with an eye toward starting in mid September). I spoke with several companies including Google and Wired.

This was my second time interviewing with Google. Unlike the first time I did not perform in a way that made me feel deeply embarrassed to be alive. Still, I missed a question on Huffman trees which I should have gotten. Google passed on me but the fact that I only wanted to work in San Francisco probably factored into it.

Everyone at Wired.com liked me but were actually looking for someone with a different skill-set. For those of you who care, the web development is in the process of splitting into "front end" guys who make everything look cool with Ajax and style sheets; and "back end" who actually makes everything - you know - "work". I'm not a strong front-end guy as anyone whose looked at my work on the squelch website can attest.

I interviewed with a company called *Name redacted* who make websites for fortune 50 companies. That place absolutely wreaked of hipsters. The place looked like a nightclub only all the hip 20 somethings have paying jobs. Indeed, here was a company that knows what white people like. All in all I thought I did pretty poorly in the interview flubbing some questions about unit tests and writing exactly one program which had a major bug in it. Did I mention that due to a mix up I arrived an hour late? Anyways, they did end up making an offer with a caveat. I had to accept or deny in 24 hours - noon the next day. This was awkward because I was actually supposed to be wrapping up an interview with another company at that time.

The interview was with a company called... well, so this page isn't found by the search engines let's just call it "A river in Egypt shirpa". A friend of mine works there and it seems like a pretty strong group. I explained the *Name redacted* situation to them and they very nicely obliged by agreeing to make an offer (if they decided to do so) before noon. At 11:00 the interview ended and 30 minutes later they made an offer which - to say the least - was substantially better than the *Name redacted* one and much better than what I was making previously. Even though I technically had an interview scheduled with Ask.com I decided to accept right there. The chances of getting a better offer were slim since start-ups pay more and anyways if they were nice enough to make a quick decision on me I should return the favor.

So, in conclusion I have a new job starting in about two weeks; I'll be making like 20% more than I used to; and I'll be working with what look to be a pretty cool team. Hooray!

Update: Redacted name of a company per their request

What did you do today?

2008-08-26T16:48:00.000-07:00

Lisa and I biked to the Golden Gate bridge today. How do you like them apples, employed people of the world?

We got up early this morning (around 9) and took the BART over to Embarcadero where we started biking. Right away I saw one of the Parrots of Telegraph Hill. I took it as a good omen even though it was in front of the Ferry building. A little pedaling over flat terrain brought us past Fisherman's wharf and Ghirardelli Square. At that point we were confronted by a steep hill at Fort Mason. We called it "the wall". It was quickly surmounted. Annoyingly once you get past it there's a downhill portion just as steep that brings you back to near sea level. It's like they made you climb the hill just because they were too jerky to make the road go around. To add insult to injury there an abandoned tunnel leading through the hill that's been fenced off.

The other side of Fort Mason is much more frou frou (frou frouier?). Fancy homes line one side of the street as the bay lines the other. If I get ridiculously wealthy that's exactly the kind of place I want to move to. Probably hard to grow vegetables with all that salt air though. Anyhow, a long ride past Crissy field (which I had never heard of before) brought us to the base of the Golden Gate bridge and the hill Lisa and I called "the never-ending hill". Unlike the first hill this one never seemed to stop. I don't know what comedy technique I'm employing with this description. It is highly experimental.

Anyhow, once we biked up the hill (which wasn't that hard in the end) we got the bridge itself. The main problem was weaving around the hoards of pedestrians and other bikers who - as Lisa observed - came in exactly two types: Super grand-master professional and obvious tourist who had rented a bike for the day from "Blazing Saddles".

The other side of the Golden Gate bridge lets out directly onto a dirt road, or at least that's the impression I got for all there is to do on the Marin side. Still, the view is quite nice and I was afforded yet another chance to test my Italian speaking skill on vacationing Italians. Today's hit rate was 50%: Of the two words I spoke "Sieti Italiani?" I got one wrong (should be "Siete Italiani?"). They were very nice and took a picture of us doing the "Go Team Venture" pose which my facebook friends can find look up if they're so inclined.

After that the ride back was a little anti-climactic... and downhill. Which was real nice. We ended up hanging out by Fisherman's wharf and taking lots of pictures of the sea lions there. You can expect plenty of drawing by Lisa on that subject shortly.

Without the BART ride the whole excursion took about 4 hours which is really not so bad considering that we stopped to eat lunch and futz around the wharf. I strongly recommend the ride to anyone visiting San Francisco. It is not terribly difficult, even for someone out of shape like me.

The future!

2008-08-20T14:53:00.001-07:00

Being unemployed for the time being I've found a lot of extra time to contemplate the world, my place in it, the future, and everything. This has lead not only to a lot more TV watching and computer go playing but some insights as well.

The first insight is that a lot of what I take for granted now will probably seem quaint and olde-thimey in the future. Either that or future apocalypse survivors will look upon my lifestyle as a warning against sloth and sin. But I like to imagine it'll be the first one. I imagine they'd ask something like "Did you really drive cars? Wasn't that dangerous?" Why of course it's dangerous! I've been in more than one accident and I know personally more than one person who has been in a car that has flipped over while going more than 60 m.p.h.* on the freeway. Still, since we don't have cars that drive themselves have to choose either to strap ourselves into metal compustion engines guided by our unenhanced monkey brains or take the BART which - here in 2008 - will not transport you from SF to Portland in 1 hour. And since we're on the topic of transportation is it weird to you future people that I fly around in planes regularly on business (or did before I quit my job)? Well, is it!?

Oh! Here in the past, only my two vegan friends give me a hard time about eating meat. Wierd, eh?

The past really is a different country. The life my grandfather lead - an illiterate traveling salesman vendor type life - is pretty much as far removed from the life of a professional programmer as you can get. (not to mention that he lived his life in Italian) And yet here I am. Will my job seem anachronistic in the future? I bet it will. As a programmer I do most of my work by typing (yes, typing with an old-timey klicky-klacky keyboard of all things!) into a glorified word processor. I suspect that in the future most programming, if it needs to be done at all, will be done by machines. And any that doesn't will be done at such an abstract level that programmers will look more like musicians than writers. Maybe if I'm lucky people will look back nostalgically on professional programming the way we look to blacksmithing or telephone switchboard operatoring.

* That's like 90 kilometers and hour to you future folk.

Yosemite!

2008-08-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

A long time ago when I was in college I voyaged all the way out to the far side of SF to attend a party thrown by a friend from my community college days who shall remain nameless (Katy). Due completely to my own personal issues and difficulties mingling with people I didn't know,* I had a bad time. Again, I can't stress enough that Katy is a good party-thrower and I would recommend her parties to anyone. Anyhow, I can't remember exactly what happened but drinking was probably involved and I hatched a stupid plan to drive to Yosemite that night with Katy's car. Perhaps Katy was very drunk too, or maybe she was just humoring me but anyways we got as far as looking up accommodations at Yosemite before deciding it was a foolish plan and falling asleep. For many years, that was the closest I'd ever been to Yosemite...

...unless you count a visit there that my family made when I was just a zygote.

Last week I decided to end my flirtation with Yosemite and just go there already. Lisa, ever the awesome fiancee, took my ridiculously short planning time-frame in stride except for a notable argument concerning whether to bring a cantaloupe on which - I will now admit - reasonable minds may differ. We stayed at Camp Curry which I strongly recommend. Their tent cabins strike a good compromise between a camping under the stars and staying a hotel. Really its more like summer camp. The food was surprisingly passable for cafeteria food.

We hiked up Bridalveil falls. Not just to pool where the water falls to at the bottom but the super secret upper pool. Lisa painted it. Check her blog for postings. We hiked around glacier point where the "fire fall" used to start from. (Yes, Mr. Strong, I remember your descriptions of it.) From there I looked at half dome and shook my fist. We later hiked up to Vernal falls which is the same trail used for Half-dome. Since it was late in the day we mostly saw wasted cadaver-like hikers, many shirtless, returning from having conquered (or been conquered) by half dome. Just looking at them made me tired. Still I'd like to do it someday. I will pack light.

We also hiked around Yosemite Falls which was incredibly unimpressive due to it being summer of a dry year. Seriously. A low-flow shower head could put the falls to shame the way we saw it. Since we stopped at got lunch there we were got to experience waves of hikers reaching the falls only to be disappointed in a variety of European languages. I suggested we temporarily rename it Regret Falls.

Speaking of, did I mention the number of foreigners? It was like the tower of babble. I guess it's 'cuase the euro's strong against the dollar or maybe it's just always that way. I'm not complaining. It allows me to indulge in two guilty pleasures: 1) playing "guess the nationality" and 2) practicing Italian with actual Italians. For those who want to play the nationality guessing game my word of advice is that anyone with an upturned collar should be assumed Italian till proven otherwise.

Also, we saw many deer, many squirrels, many many Stellar's Jay (which everyone insisted on making a big deal out of even though I see them all the time in Oakland) and a Tanager.

*This comma has been put in to relieve parsing issues.

Back from San Diego

2008-07-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

Lisa and I are back from San Diego. It was fun but it is nice to be back in our own home again. The day before we left I went snorkeling in La Jolla Cove which is really quite something. I saw a lot of fish and the water was only really really cold and not all-the-way freezing. The most common fish was the Garibaldi. It looks like a giant goldfish with a bulgey forehead.

This makes me want to do some more snorkeling.

Also, we listened to Stephen Colbert's book on tape (iPod actually) on the way up. Very good stuff.

Family: Online. also, Snakes

2008-07-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since my family shuffled aside its electric typewriter to purchase a 75Mhz 386. But for a long time I was the only one with a large web presence. Well, I think it's time I officially declare my family web-savvy. My mom has a Skype account and uses it to talk with relatives in Italy all the time, and my sister has a blog. Check it out, y'all.

Lisa and I have been having a great time here in San Diego. Mostly this has involved hiking. Earlier this week we spent a couple days hanging out in Julian which is a nice little mountain town with plenty of apples and miles of hiking trail. We saw three kinds of woodpeckers, an owl, three families of turkeys, and an osprey eating a live fish. Also, a jack-rabbit.

We also drove over the mountain and into the Anza-Borrego desert. Must say: the desert has lots of cacti. Quite a lot. Also, it was very hot. We drove over around 7 and it was still 90 degrees when we were driving back in the dark.

Today we went for a little hike near my mom's house. We saw a rattlesnake, a king snake, and some real weird lizard with a super-orange head that apparently no one's ever heard of before (at least that's what it looks like from my googling). Why do you all have to look so weird, animals?

In San Diego

2008-07-19T23:56:00.001-07:00

I've been hanging out here in San Diego for the past week. Lisa has been putting up with my loud family very nicely and we've been trying to occupy our time with various things. We're seen Hellboy, Hellboy II, Batman, and Mamma Mia. In order they are good, better, awesome, and just ok.

Here's a totaly random thought on films. I've been thinking that what I really want to see is a comedy set in ancient times. Not ancient Greece or China - I'm thinking like pre-columbian America. And let's give the Maya and the Aztecs a rest. For once I want to see a comedy set in Hopi village in 1230. Yeah, it might not be easy to put something like that together but it'd surely cost less than Get Smart.

Ok. This is a stab in the right direction. Well, at least it's not something I've never seen before.

You might think that it'd be hard to pull off a comedy set in a culture that's so different but really I doubt it'd be as hard as all that. America was then as it is now a very diverse place and a writer could probably take advantage of that to just make up a culture (and side-step the possibility of offending anyone).

I'm just thinking out loud here.

Do you have my Win XP CD?

2008-07-09T05:49:00.000-07:00

I can't find it and I think maybe I lent it to someone.

Hi, I'm a mac.

2008-07-08T07:54:00.000-07:00

So, I ordered a Macbook and got a free iPod touch (after rebate) thrown in for my trouble. The Macbook hasn't arrived yet but the iPod has so mostly I've been focusing on that. Apparently the new 2.0 operating system for the iPod touch is coming out Friday so I'm looking forward to that even though it'll apparently cost $10 to upgrade.

I've already added bookmarks for the mobile page on wordreference.com but it kind of sucks and I was wondering if there are any search engine plug-ins or translators. Anyone have any suggestions for moding my iPod? Zack, I'm looking in your direction.

The sweet life

2008-06-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

So I've made a few changes recently which I'd like to announce.

First, Lisa and I are now engaged. Yes, I know it may not come to a shock to many since we've been happily dating for well over 5 years but it wasn't a decision we took lightly. Also, I haven't actually bought the ring yet so maybe it doesn't count. My mom tells me that when she told my relatives in Italy they responded with peals of laughter since they had assumed that Lisa and I were already engaged long ago. In Italy you see, getting engaged is like going steady. Once you decide not to date other people you buy a ring and stay engaged till you can afford your own house. Anyhow, it's nice to know that my relatives can find something to laugh at besides my poor (but improving!) grasp of the Italian language.

Also, I've quit my job and am taking a sabbatical before searching for a new one. I enjoyed working at Xythos - it's a nice company with a lot of nice people - but the consulting game of traveling to middle-of-nowhere Texas every other week gets old after a while and it's not the type of business I want to be in when I start a family. By switching over to a developer position I can stay closer to home and focus on what is arguably my core competency: writing code.

Speaking of, I have just gained a new illegal hobby: downloading textbooks. I consider this closer to "super-library check out" since I don't plan on keeping the books longer than my two-to-three month sabbatical. Still, the wealth of information is nearly overwhelming. After studying this I will surely be able to ace any interview... even with google.

The intersection of politics and hilarity

2008-06-19T18:59:00.001-07:00

If you haven't seen this you really ought to because it's quite possibly the funniest thing that's going to come out of this election:

Hilarity aside I can't help but suspect that we'll be seeing more of this kind of thing in the future. I have no idea who produced this or what their motives are (besides presumably electing Obama) but the ad is pretty fracking effective even considering that the content of the attack is pretty thin. I mean, honestly, calling your wife a c*nt in front of reporters is uncouth but it doesn't really reflect poorly on his presidential skills. I mean, for all we know it was just a word he picked up from the youngsters and he didn't really knew what it meant. Either way, how he treats his wife won't have nearly as much bearing on his presidency as his plans on healthcare or the environment. And those provide more than ample reason to vote against him.

Also, Lisa pointed out that the most surprising thing about the quote was that in 1992 McCain used the word "Trollop" in a non-ironic context. I mean, jeese, I guess he really is older than chocolate chip cookies... though again, that's no reason to vote against him (the neo-con foriegn policy though: that's a good reason).

No, it happened a long long time ago

2008-06-06T09:56:00.000-07:00

My ongoing quest to not suck so hard at speaking Italian continues as I finally complete my mission to learn about the myriad Italian tenses. I can now say that even if I don't know how to form them properly at least I know what each tense is used for.

In the Italian classes I've taken the tenses were always presented in order of importance and complexity. Rated with this metric the Italian "passato remoto" ranks dead last. Not only is incredibly complex, requiring completely different conjugations for all three verb groups, but it's function is to indicate things that happened a long-ass time ago. To make things even more difficult the proximity in time is not measured by months or years, but by how emotionally distant it is from you now. For example, in 1984 Cindy Lauper followed up "Girls just wanna have fun" and "Time after Time" with her third solo album "She Bop". I do not care. This is the perfect time to employ the passato remoto. On the other hand, in 1989 Weird Al starred in UHF which affects me emotionally to this very day. The much simpler passato prossimo will aid me quite nicely in expressing this in Italian. This leaves only the task of explaining what Ultra High Frequency is to people from a country that has never had it.

Since the passato remoto doesn't usually come up in everyday Italian speech (it's mostly used in books nowadays) I thought it would be safe to put it aside until I learn the other tenses well, or until I suddenly decide to become a paleontologist. But a funny thing happened in Italian class: I recognized the passato remoto. Not all the forms mind you, but at least one of the more common forms (third person "are" verbs) just sounded like they were in the past tense. It was at that point that my teacher revealed that the passato remoto was more heavily used in some regions of Italy than others and that, in particular, Sicilians are well known for using the passato remoto in everyday speech!

Apparently, learning Sicilian from an early age gave me kind of a watered down understanding of passato remoto which doesn't actually help me use it. (I know, because I tried). Thanks a lot, Sicilians. Now I've got to learn your complicated super-duper past tense or I won't be able to understand you all. That's just perfect. I mean, pluperfect. I mean passato remoto. He's a borg cube.

Italy Fun Facts

2008-06-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

Last time I went to Italy I took Lisa along for the first time. All my relatives liked her but almost invariably they would comment on her weird (to them) name. Almost always they would follow up by asking "does she have blue eyes?" It was explained to me that in the 60's there was a popular song in Italy called "Lisa dagli occhi blu" (Lisa, with blue eyes) and it seems to be the Italian cultures single contact with the name "Lisa".

Anyhow, with the help of Youtube, here is the song they were all talking about.

Update: Via IM Kevin asks "What about the Mona Lisa?" Answer: In Italy it's not called the Mona Lisa. It's "La Gioconda".

Update: Hilarious. Apparently the song was so successful they made a film about it. Here's the synopsis:

Mario, a young professor of nuclear phisics, inflames a pupil of his. Unfortunately her father is in financial dire straits and the girl is about to marry a not very nice but very rich guy. Luckily enough her butler discovers a painting in the household by Michael Angelo which will pay for everything.

Life mirrors art

2008-05-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

May 2007 - Marginal Revolutions: Oil for Blood

In order to give blood donors a break from gas prices, the Red Cross [in Greensboro, NC. AT] is entering all volunteer blood donors, who give blood between June 1, 2008 and June 30, 2008, into a drawing for one of two $750 gas cards.

March 2003 - Heuristic Squelch: Blood for Oil Program a Success

Red Cross officials are praising their new program to refund blood donors for transporation costs. Started six months ago, the "Blood for Oil" program lets Red Cross officials pay to fill up the gas tanks of donors who contribute every six weeks.
"People love exchanging blood for oil. Really, what's a couple of pints of blood compared to a full tank of gas? Certainly no person, or even American political leader, could pass up such an incredible bargain," said one really sarcastic anti-war protester.

"Lithe Vegan Bodies"

2008-05-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

This hilarious phrase comes from this thread where douche bags advise other douche bags on how to pick up hipster chicks since - incredibly - they are only now realizing how hot lady's of the hipster persuasion can be. Personally, my only advise is to write your own comic strip. Oh, that and be a feminist.

Must be spring

2008-05-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

I was attacked by a black bird today.

"Eff" Bill Gates

2008-05-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

After over a decade of saying I'd do so Ive made the switch to a non-windows based system. My company recently issued me a new machine (to replace the old one I'd been using) and it happens to be a Macbook. I was running Windows on it for a while (through bootcamp) but yesterday I made the switch and it's looking good.

The main issue I'm having is relearning all the hot keys and figuring out which programs do which things. For example, what do you do for text files? Evidently TextEdit is your answer. But it won't save as plain text unless you know to go to Format->Make Plain Text. That's weird. It doesnt even give you option of saving files as text otherwise. Really? I can't even choose to give up my rich text formatting (I used none) and save as a text file? Really? Really!?

I will keep you all informed as I continue my journey to the center of the Mac. I'm sure you'll all wait with rapt attention.

The Oklahoma Experience

2008-05-01T17:19:00.001-07:00

I've been in Oklahoma for the past week. The first couple days the weather was decent but today the weather is so bad that it's affecting my TV watching experience. It's hard to watch the daily show when the tornado warnings keep preempting the audio. Honestly! Why do Americans allow this type of quasi-socialist big government imposition on private contracts between consenting adults - in this case between myself and the hotel which promised me televised entertainment?

But seriously. I'm apparently in the safest town around tornado-wise. The town just south of here though is the hot-spot.

I'm working for the local University whose mascot is the Oklahoma "Sooners". I was puzzled by what this meant exactly but I was informed that it refers to the people who jumped the gun on stealing land not yet open to the public. Evidentially, if your school mascot is a Native American that's a problem. But if your mascots are the people who were particularly noteworthy for stealing Native American land, that's just hunky-dory.

Now, I'm not saying all this because I think they ought to change their mascot. I'm just saying that if i were them, I'd play up the whole "total cheaters" aspect of my mascot. Have the mascot steal sports equipment from the other team and hand it out during half-time. I think that'd be good clean fun for everyone*.

*Note: "Everyone" here is defined such that it doesn't include the opposing team.

Known Unknowns and Unknown Knowns

2008-04-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

Italian has two verbs which roughly correspond to "forget". "Dimenticare" is used to indicate situations where you know the information but simply forget to recall it. Basically, it slipped your mind. "Scordare" is for when you forget something but remember that you used to know it. So, for example, you would "dimentica" to go to the cash machine in the morning, but you would "scorda" your pin number if you couldn't get it right when you got there.

I wish English had single-words for such a distinction.

Italian Elections

2008-04-21T15:56:00.001-07:00

The guy I voted for lost to Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian smash-up of George Bush and Rupert Murdoch. Check out this poster run by the Northern League. They're the far-right party Silvio teamed up with. It makes me appreciate how even-keeled and respectable American conservatives are.

(translation:"Guess who's last? For rights on housing, work, healthcare")

Hat tip: Crooked Timbers. Winner of Rebecca's "Most boring website" award.

Update: Via Yglesias, an interesting take on the Italian elections which argues that Italy is finally getting a normal government.

Hooray for Foriegn Policy

2008-04-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

I just got Matthew Yglesias' new book, Heads in the Sand. It's pretty good and I recommend it to everyone. Basically, he argues that the Democrats fell down on the job during the run-up to the Iraq war. They tried to neutralize foreign policy as an issue by just siding with the Republicans but it didn't work. Even worse, in doing so they left behind the bedrock of liberal foreign policy which holds that the US should seek to work within and strengthen international institutions as a way of building the legitimacy needed to effectively deal with humanitarian and defense emergencies.

This all should be rather humdrum stuff but unfortunately it needs reiterating.

Since this is a political post I'll attach a youtube video about the Wyden-Bennett Universal health care plan. I think it's hilarious. (hat-tip Ezra Klein).

Italian!

2008-04-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

So I've decided that I should probably stop sucking so much at being Italian. To that end I have just started Italian classes. The first thing you need to know is that Italian has lots of tenses. So many, in fact, that it necessitates giant graphs like this one. However, it is very helpful that FireFox provides an italian language pack which allows me to spell check in Italian. Thank you Firefox!

I've also started e-mail my mom in Italian. It works out well because my inexperience with the language matches her inexperience with typing. Still, she has been showing steady improvement which is probably more than I can say for myself.

I've finished the latest draft of my script (draft 2 or 3 depending on how you count). I think it's funnier than the previous ones. If you want to see it, let me know.

Markov Code

2008-03-30T10:21:00.000-07:00

People have been asking about the Markov Chain code so I'll post it here. Note, I use the " " key to store the valid beginning sequences. If you want, change the KEY_LENGTH for more/less intelligible output.


package com.sciortino.fun;

import java.io.BufferedReader;
import java.io.FileReader;
import java.io.IOException;
import java.util.ArrayList;
import java.util.HashMap;
import java.util.Random;

public class MarkovChainer {

  private static final int KEY_LENGTH = 3;
  private static final Random RANDOM = new Random();

  public static void main(String[] p_args) throws IOException {

    if (p_args.length != 1) {
      System.out.println("This program takes exactly one argument: "
          + "The location of the input file which has exactly one name per line.");
      System.exit(1);
    }

    BufferedReader l_br = new BufferedReader(new FileReader(p_args[0]));

    HashMap<String, ArrayList<String>> l_map = getMap(l_br);

    ArrayList<String> l_startArray = l_map.get(" ");
    for (int i = 0; i < 100; i++) {
      StringBuilder l_buf = new StringBuilder();
      String l_wordPart = l_startArray.get(RANDOM.nextInt(l_startArray.size()));
      while (l_wordPart != null) {
        l_buf.append(l_wordPart);

        String l_key = l_buf.substring(l_buf.length() - KEY_LENGTH,
            l_buf.length());
        ArrayList<String> l_nextList = l_map.get(l_key);
        if (l_nextList == null) {
          break;
        }
        l_wordPart = l_nextList.get(RANDOM.nextInt(l_nextList.size()));
      }

      System.out.println(l_buf);
    }
  }

  private static HashMap<String, ArrayList<String>> getMap(BufferedReader l_br)
      throws IOException {
    HashMap<String, ArrayList<String>> l_map = new HashMap<String, ArrayList<String>>();
    l_map.put(" ", new ArrayList<String>());
    String l_line = null;
    while ((l_line = l_br.readLine()) != null) {
      if (l_line.length() <= KEY_LENGTH) {
        continue;
      }
      String l_start = l_line.substring(0, KEY_LENGTH);
      l_map.get(" ").add(l_start);
      for (int i = 0; i + KEY_LENGTH < l_line.length(); i++) {
        String l_key = l_line.substring(i, i + KEY_LENGTH);
        String l_next = l_line.substring(i + KEY_LENGTH, i + KEY_LENGTH + 1);
        if (!l_map.containsKey(l_key)) {
          l_map.put(l_key, new ArrayList<String>());
        }
        l_map.get(l_key).add(l_next);
      }
    }
    return l_map;
  }
}

Markov Chains

2008-03-27T07:29:00.000-07:00

Last night my friend Eric challenged me to write a Markov chaining algorithm to create fictitious Italian last names. For those of you not familiar Markov chaining is a simple process whereby you construct a word by looking at the 2 (or 3 or 4) previous letters adding a new letter which is statistically likely to came afterward. You need a reference set of words of course so I stole it from wikipedia. Here's the list. They have been tested to ensure that none of the generated fictitious names coincides with the real names.

abbatti
sabbiano
donardo
fortoni
fontano
posito
espossi
argenovese
spernabò
areschini
spintori
politali
tibalbi
gabrielli
bandretti
tremonte
roti
lombo
baiani
baglianchi
sola
giuliano
loggio
vita
molito
robbiani
gasparelliano
garo
rocchini
ungelista
morossetti
moscarlo
sartelli
giore
battei
bassini
barassano
devitaliparelli
evangenito
macci

cerugini
defendretti
ruso
manci
endretta
mini
mazzo
mily
matti
buonato
ventierrugia
codazzatti
pettista
silviattei
pelli
bocchiavoso
con
colo
cortolamini
costino
coppolini
annunziattei
antoro
anserminnella
flaminnellegri
aneri
anfredini
angenis
gentino
beroni
turielli
farro
famini
benis
pucciolombarbierrarini
belli
andido
sca
chiavonello
dano

bettista
fabriz
amoro
schio
eppola
testoro
davitabile
sclafano
ducciolombo
valcandriz
carlatto
fierrero
cantinola
napoletti
capinelli
vavone
finziatti
cavalcandro
sungaro
caccio
caetano
rizzi
campani
bianchiaparello
cali
ciprio
pacci
ale
lazzi
paladini
grini
picciolo
albernabò
panelli
bondini
bortino
ramacci
pinti
auriero
pisantoroso

Update: I ran my squelch newsflashes through the Markov Chainer. I got these:
"Bush would have to go on a group of unarmed shoppers Friday at a loss to retrieve the missing item."
"Though the 23rd meta extension of irony a level first reached by a Wisconsin machinist in June 2000 the fact that he just rambles a lot better said Kenyan orphan Mutheru Ubatto through an interpreter."
"Really what's a couple of pints of blood compared to a very difficult thing to do."
"While Greenberg's decision to purchase the single Kimberly Diaz a noted expert on irony explains because that song is still a pretty crappy song."
"Chameny blankly replied Will & Grace."
"Like many Americans who never considered African AIDS orphans to be a good topic joining the ideas of Chomsky and Searle in a bid for a diff'rent era."
"A needle was misplaced in a purely post modern constructivist framework."
"Said one Pentecostal Christian All we want is to get him to just answer your question without using knowledge only a dedicated grad student Josh Greenberg purchased the song after a child ..."

Update: Here the code to the original Markov Chainer for names. If anyone sees any problems with it let me know.


*snip*

I'm going to move the code in different post.

Happy Easter

2008-03-22T22:54:00.001-07:00

Pictured above: A skeptic witnesses enough evidence to allay his doubt.

Happy Easter y'all!

She's the terror of this Boulevard. This one. Right here.

2008-03-18T17:52:00.000-07:00

I've been in Pasadena for about 24 hours now and I have that one beach boy's song stuck in my head the whole time. You know which one I mean. The one about the diminutive woman of advanced years who hails from this place.

Though similar to "Do you know the way to San Jose?" syndrome my current predicament is many orders of magnitude worse since Pasadena isn't really noteworthy in any other way (besides maybe hosting the rose bowl which I don't care about because of a mutation disabling the sport-loving gene which I should have inherited as any normal Italian.)

I mean, honestly! Does this town deserve a song? Compare this song to the songs commemorating say, San Francisco, and it becomes clear that Pasadena is punching above it's weight song wise.

In order to get this Beach Boy's song out of my head I've written a song of my own about this city:

Pasadena, Ohh ohh,
Pasadena, Ohh ohh,
You have a surprising number of Indian restaurants.
You are reasonably walkable for a So Cal town,
You have many Irish haunts,
and not a single clown,

Pasadena, Ohh ohh,
Pa-sa-de-na.

Whenever I see lyrics written down without music I instinctually skip over them because I realize that I will never be able to figure out the tune and I know I will spend hours puzzling over it in vain. If you did the same with my song rest assured that I have no tune in mind and that in fact it has no internal meter or rhythm of any kind. I did it on purpose. If you wasted your time pondering this song than I guess you might know what it feels like to be me. A writer is supposed to clearly communicate his message, right? What better then to make his readers physically undergo the same experience as he is trying to convey? I'm some kind of genius.

For those of you who want to hear the beach boys song I mentioned, here's the link.

Pasadena!

2008-03-17T10:54:00.000-07:00

I'm heading down to Pasadena today. I will seek out the little old lady there.

Back from Tennessee

2008-03-09T19:21:00.000-07:00

I usually don't talk about my clients on my blog and today is no exception. I will say that, in general, the issues I run into most often are missing hardware, firewalls, and inaccessible system administrators. Specifically, you'd be amazed how often I find myself needing someone to do something that they apparently don't have time to do. Really? You have something more important? You spent the cash to fly me out here, put me up in a hotel and you're telling me your LDAP guy can't be bothered to make a group for the product? Really? I guess maybe he has a sleepy Spanish village to save from the Banditos that have been pillaging it for years. Hopefully, he will help them learn that the town had the ability to defend themselves the whole time.

All this is a round-about way of thanking the people I just finished working with for having their act together. Seriously. It gave me more time to admire the fine Waffle houses of Cookeville Tennessee.

More writing

2008-03-06T03:52:00.000-08:00

Here's another scene from the script I'm writing.

INT. KINGMAN CO-OP HALL NIGHT

Outside the Guru room at Kingman.

HOLMANI

It's named after a real guru you know. The USCA bought it off of the "Berkeley Living Love Center". The cult leader lived in this room and all the followers worked day and night fixing it up with... I don't know... hippy beads and crap.

JOE

Whoa.

HOLMANI

This room goes for 35 points and counting.

JOE

That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Holmani knocks on the door. After a pause the door opens a crack. The guru peaks one eye through the gap.

Guru

Who is it? I'm kind of busy right now.

HOLMANI

We need some information.

Holmani turns to Joe.

HOLMANI

Oh... let me do the talking. This guy has... time management issues.

JOE

What does that mean?

GURU

No time!

HOLMANI

(looks at Joe knowingly)

Oww! Your forehead!

GURU

(opening the door a little)

What?

Holmani kicks the door in with his foot hitting the guru on the forehead. She stumbles back on to the bed. Holmani and Joe enter.

INT. GURU ROOM NIGHT

The Guru is recovering from the blow on his bed. He is clearly at least 35 years old, balding and has a pen behind each ear, in his pocket, and on a chain around his neck. The walls of his room are covered with graphs showing various points and connections between them.

GURU

OWW!

HOLMANI

That was because you were being retarded. Hopefully, you will grow to understand in time.

GURU

Ok. First of all, that really hurts. Second of all this is a really busy time for me. I've got a mess of questionnaires to input and Casa Z's having a room-to-room tonight. Third of all... I... well, those two things are enough.

HOLMANI

I'd hate it if my questions were to delay your thesis by another 10 years.

GURU

Hey. This is important work even if you don't appreciate it.

HOLMANI

I do appreciate it! In fact, I've come to help you. My friend Joe is a lightening round admit to Stebbins. He hasn't answered your questionnaire yet.

JOE

Questionaire?

GURU

You haven't heard of my study?

HOLMANI

You thought he would know?

JOE

Huh?

GURU

What?

There is a pause as everyone tries to figure out what's going on.

HOLMANI

He studies houscest!

GURU

Romance and relationships at the Co-ops.

Holmani points to the various graphs on the walls.

HOLMANI

This is Casa Z, Hoyt, Loth...

GURU

All compiled anonymously with the strictest adherence to scientific guidelines.

The Guru pulls out a clipboard and begins questioning Joe who is looking at the various maps.

GURU

Ok. have you ever been to a Co-op party before and if so how many?

JOE

Just two. The room-to-room at Loth and the 80's party at Stebbins.

GURU

And how many people did you make out there?

JOE

What? None. I didn't make out with anyone.

GURU

Ok. I should clarify that making out with the Loth make-out girl does count.

JOE

Still none.

GURU

Ok. What's an 9 letter word meaning "immobile impatient"?

JOE

Huh?

GURU

Oh, that's just for this crossword puzzle I just started. I have time management issues.

JOE

I've heard about that.

Joe turns to look at the Guru who is now playing a game boy. Holmani walks over and slap it out of his hands.

HOLMANI

Ok. I'm just going to ask: We're looking for some extremely blue purple.

JOE

Why would he know about that?

HOLMANI

Do you have any idea how alcohol and marijuana use affect make-out?

GURU

I do! It increases it by thirty percent.

JOE

Really?

HOLMANI

Ok. Let's not get sidetracked. Do you know?

INT. KINGMAN CO-OP HALL NIGHT

The Guru checks the hallway to make sure no one is watching. He closes the door silently.

INT. GURU ROOM NIGHT

The Guru turns down the lights and speaks in hushed tones.

GURU

I can't tell you how I know, but word has it that there's a fellow whose got his hands on some very fine Chihuahua blue. Local grown and it should just about be ready to harvest now. His name's Mark Geghiemer he lives at Stebbins.

HOLMANI

Are you trying to be unhelpful?

GURU

I'm making no special effort, no.

JOE

Geg's plants were stolen. We're looking for them.

HOLMANI

You're not holding info back on us are you? 'Cause I can have you PNG'd from Stebbins.

GURU

What?!

JOE

What's a PNG?

GURU

Persona Non Gratis.

HOLMANI

It means you're not allowed to enter the Co-op. Not for a party, not with a friend, not with a questionnaire.

GURU

Is that a threat?

HOLMANI

Huh? Yes! Of course that's a threat.

GURU

Oh. Ok. I wanted to make sure. I have trouble staying focused some times.

JOE

I've heard about that.

GURU

Anyhow. You can't PNG someone without a house vote. And the worst thing about me is that I'm creepy and old.

HOLMANI

Oh really? What about your newspaper stealing habit?

GURU

What?

HOLMANI

9 letters "immobile inpatient". Are you sure you didn't misread that? It makes more sense if it's "immobile inpatient", with an "n".

The guru puts on his glasses and takes a closer look at his paper.

HOLMANI

"Bedridden". It's easy. Too easy in fact for the Sunday Times. Stands to reason you have the early Monday edition. But how'd you do that? The only newsstand open at this hour is on north side.

JOE

You stole the house paper?

HOLMANI

And in using pen he's ruined it for everybody else. Folks at Stebbins take their crosswords seriously.

In Tennesee

2008-03-04T12:20:00.001-08:00

Things I like: The Waffle house.
Things I don't like: Torrential Downpours.

I saw a real life bluejay today in the parking lot. We don't have them in California.

Update: My totally random sampling on music stations reveal that 50% of airtime on Cookeville, TN radio is spent playing Kenny Chesney's "Shift work". Be sure to listen to the chorus.

A letter to the Washington Post

2008-03-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

RE:On your publishing uninteresting poorly argued editorials

I read the title of Charlotte Allens article on how women are dumb recently in your newspaper and though, "Wow. What a really stupid sounding premise. This topic has inspired thousands of boring writings motivated by misogyny. Hopefully the WaPo has found some really compelling evidence that this idea needs to be reevaluated. Certainly they wouldn't waste our time merely recapping the same tired stereotypes." Well, turns out I was wrong.

The saddest thing about this is that you guys probably think you were being really brave and daring by publishing this. You probably thought that something that offends so many must be a really awesome idea. But if you can't tell the difference between a well-argued defense of an unpopular view and crap like that then the WaPo really is in trouble.

Update: Awesome. The original title "Women aren't very bright" has been changed to "Why do women act so dumb?" That's supposed to make it all better.

Update: The WaPo runs a good counter-point.

On Africa

2008-03-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

I think we all owe the people living in Africa a great big thank you for taking the bullet for the rest of us. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of nice places to live in Africa, but Africa is where our species evolved and consequently, where a lot of nasty viruses, parasites, and large mean animals with sharps teeth co-evolved with us.

Sure, Australia may have had giant 10 foot tall lizards but let's face it, by the time people got there we were at the top of our game. We were like, "Oh? A reptile the size of ox with a taste for things that stand upright? I think this calls for a sharpened stick." And a call goes back to the boy whose job it is to carry the sharp sticks around (for situations just like this) and a particularly sharp stick is chosen because – hey – who knows how tough it's skin is and meanwhile the giant lizard is thinking "My main worry is that they'll jump away with the tasty little babies they keep in their pouches." Poor sucker.

In Africa the situation is different; when a hippo sees you he's thinking "Oh great. A human. Better stomp it good before it calls its friends." Hippos evolved along side humans and evolutionarily speaking they've had time to learn to defend themselves. And of course this logic goes double for things like lions, HIV, leprosy, ringworm and malaria (a parasite with a life cycle so complicated it makes you wonder if it was intelligently designed by Rube Goldberg). How many diseases evolved in Australia I wonder? Maybe just Paul Hogan fatigue and even that's just a form of PTSD. The twin continents of the Americas could barely scrape together Yellow Fever and Syphilis. Do these compare to the diseases that have come out let's say… Niger? Niger please!

So even though there are lots of nice parts of Africa and I'm sure that science will eventually learn to cure all the really nasty diseases that tend to hang out there and other parts of the world let's all give a nice big thank you to those who manage to eke out a living there be it humble or not. Living on the same continent as all the other great apes may be good for tourism but it's also dangerous: Gorillas do not wash their hands!

A scene

2008-02-20T19:37:00.000-08:00

Here is a new scene I wrote for a script I'm writing. It may entertain you.

~~~

Dinner is being served. Various Stebbintes are seen ladling Borscht. From the doorway Joe is seen being let in with his Luggage. SHERMAN HOLMANI, house manager, sits at the head table with JANE the health manager. Sherman bangs vase on the table like a gavel.

JOE (V.O.)

Like it or not, he's the boss. And at the first house meeting our fates were about to become inextricably crossed.

HOLMANI

All right everyone. House meeting. House meeting!

The Stebbinites continue to talk loudly amongst themselves.

HOLMANI

House meeting!

The Stebbinites continue to not quite down. Holmani picks up the vase and drops it. It lands on the floor with a loud CRASH. The room becomes silent.

HOLMANI

Welcome to the first house meeting of the semester. I'm Sherman, the house manager. I'm in charge of house bills, disputes, and workshift hours which, if you're not familiar means that I own five hours of your life every week. Skip out on your assigned workshift and not only will I dock you double hours, I will crush your soul. Now, before we begin I'd like to ask everyone if they've seen my notebook I lost... It's blue and gold... and has a picture of a unicorn on it... with kind of a rainbow coming out from behind? No?

Everyone shrugs no.

HOLMANI

Ok then. Normally the summer house president leads this but since Revital caught mono I'm doing it till we elect the president for the new semester...

JANE

I'm Jane, the health manager. I know it's not really my turn to talk but I just wanted to say that the mono is really bad this year. If you're thinking of going to the Cloyne court Room-to-Room like, you should definitely make extra sure not to share cups... or make out with Marcos. He totally had it all summer and you can still be infectious for like 12 months after you've gotten better.

STEBBINITE (O.S.)

Communist Jill has it too.

JANE

Really? She's at Castro House, isn't she? Well! You learn a new thing every day.

HOLMANI

I'm going to have to ask you to stop talking now.

JANE

It's a serious issue. My sister's friend totally died from it.

HOLMANI

Really?

JANE

Yeah... well, it was more like an acquaintance.

HOLMANI

REALLY?

Jane looks down sheepishly for a moment.

JANE

My... My sister doesn't have any friends.

HOLMANI

We're going to do the elections next week. Most of the position are uncontested so we'll dispense with the speeches. However the summer kitchen manager Iliya is being challenged by Jason so I'll go ahead and give them a chance to speak. Jason?

JASON

Ok. My platform is simple - simplicity. My platform is that as kitchen manager none of the dinner cooks will be allowed to make borscht. The tyranny will end. And my pledge is that as kitchen manager I will not order any beats. Wait, I will order only one single beet from Central Kitchen during my tenure so we will have a reminder of what was.

HOLMANI

Iliya?

Iliya stands up with his bowl of borscht and eats a large spoonful, savoring it. He smiles at the room, takes another bite, and grunts in ecstatic appreciation.

HOLMANI

Ok. That was some compelling arguments on both sides...

JANE

Also, I just want to point out 'cuase I know some of you maybe didn't eat beets a lot growing up or in the dorms so just a warning for tonight and tomorrow: This borscht will make your poo look totally red. You're not bleeding internally. It's normal. Oh, and your pee too maybe, a little. Like if you have two bowls.

JOE

How long do these house-meetings usually take?

WE SEE: Clock on wall goes from 6 to 8:30.

Dreams

2008-02-14T15:25:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember I have occasionally had dreams in which I try to read but find that - though each word I read is valid - the sentences are not grammatical and don't make any sense. Even worse, when I go back to reread something, the words change so I'm reading a totally different nonsense sentence.

Also, on more than one occasion I have realized I was dreaming and tried to swing the dream to something more fun (i.e. something involving Sarah Silverman) but this always seems to make me wake up.

Or maybe I only seems like I always wake up because I only remember when I do. Retrograde amnesia is funny like that.

I once wrote an article about dreams. I didn't think it was very funny but a lot of people seem to like it. I suspect however they they don't find it very funny either and just like it because it's just entertaining to read. I don't mind that at all.

The further adventures of: Boring Man!

2008-02-08T18:34:00.000-08:00

I've returned from New York. Didn't see any shows while I was there but I did go to a comedy club with My buddy Haatem (see his blog on the side bar). I guess New York has more comics since this was a Wednesday show and over half the performers had apeared in their own Comedy Central feature. The biggest name was Darrell Hammond who - though totally drunk - did manage to perform his famous Bill Clinton impression. Yes, it is good.

Also, the line-up featured a guy who thought it was a good idea to do a 15 minute set on the candidates without actually discussing anything of substance besides what they look like. Ha ha. You know, I didn't vote for Senator Clinton but if I was going to crack a joke about her I could probably come up with better material than the fatness of her ankles. And yes, Obama is skinny. Whoopdy-doo.

New York again

2008-01-31T10:02:00.001-08:00

Next week I'll be back in New York. Maybe I should go see a show or something. Any suggestions?

Update: Here's my new map of business trips:

View Larger Map

New car smell

2008-01-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

With Lisa's assistance I have just purchased a new '08 Prius. What color is it? We didn't even ask the dealer.

Since it looks just like every other Prius Lisa and I were discussing ways we could decorate it to distinguish it from other Prius. This would be useful if I park in the Berkeley Bowl parking lot for example. I think an antenna ornament would be best. However, as we were discussing that the conversation turned to decorations that would fail to distinguish it from other Pria*. A Kucinich bumper sticker?

I thought I should get a bumper sticker to let the world know my political affiliations. However, since my personal political pet peeve (disagreeing with libertarianism) is kind of specific I think I might have to make a custom one. My current idea: "Libertarianism is not a compelling value system".

*This is a word of my own design meaning the plural of Prius.

Success!

2008-01-21T20:11:00.000-08:00

After setting up my family computer in San Diego expressly for simplicity and ease of use, and after several lessons, my mom is now online. Earlier today she sent me her first unassisted e-mail. Granted, the entire message was in the subject line, but I consider it a strong first step on the information superhighway. Congrats to my mom, and also, to the fine men and women of Google who had the forethought to translate all their pages into Italian.

The new car smell

2008-01-11T20:17:00.000-08:00

Lisa told me that the car was dieing the other day, but I was skeptical. "Oh sure, it's probably not handling like it used to, but it's probably just a problem with the power steering fluid." I thought to myself. Well, I drove it around a bit and yes, my car is indeed totally fubar. It seems to have trouble shifting gears which is kind important. Incredibly my $400 car is giving up the ghoast just 18 short years after rolling off the assembly line.

So that puts me in the market for a new car.

Following the advice super-handy brother in law I'm going to get a subscription to Consumer Reports so I might get the inside scoop. I'm going to take a close look at those new-fangled hybrids since I don't expect gas to get any cheaper.

Also, I've reached 23% on project Euler, making me quite possibly the geekiest person you know... unless you're Dan Silverstein in which case, yeah you probably do know a lot of people geekier than me. Good for you!

Totally Wet in San Francisco

2008-01-06T16:49:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd increase traffic to my blog by employing a purposefully titillating title. However, the subject of this post really is about being wet in the Bay Area. It has been raining quite a bit as of late. It'd really incredible and it's not like the Bay Area is a stranger to rain anyways.

On Friday I walked to work and was so thoroughly soaked that even 30 seconds in the microwave failed to dry my socks noticeably. Don't worry, I used a plate. My co-workers didn't seem to mind. Maybe they were in a good mood becuase it was free bagel Friday.

(Above: My socks and my bagel)

It rained all day yesterday but some friends came over and we played Princess Bride karaoke by turning the sound off and taking turns acting out the lines. Our memories were greatly helped by the subtitle option. I played Vicini of course. "Those are the cliff's of insanity!"

Also, Lisa and I made another Action Adventure Animal Team Squad comic. View it here.

My friend David has gotten me into Project Euler. It's a site where you can test your skill as a programmer by trying to solve various puzzles. So far I've answered 23 problems and have achieved a 13% rating. Hooray! Plus I've learned a lot about prime numbers.

New York Media

2007-12-14T17:08:00.000-08:00

Here's some photos I took while in New York:

Here's a picture from the Empire State Building. That's right, they wish you a Happy Hanukkah and a Happy Kwanzaa. Everyone else will have to be contented with "Happy Holidays". Someone get Bill O'Reilly on the phone. I have a feeling he'll be able to stretch this one grievance out into at least 5 or 6 episodes plus a feature length book... for kids!

I ate at Lindy's, which was the real-life inspiration for Damon Runyon's New York themed stories (which were in turn used to create the musical "Guys and Dolls"). The cheesecake is indeed, pretty darn good though, upon reflection, I should have gotten one of fruit kind instead of the "original" plain cheesecake.

My hotel was just a couple of blocks from Time's Square which is every bit as flashy as they make it out to be. I took a picture of this billboard because it's so ridiculous I almost thought it was a parody at first. It reads: "Wake up people: New Diet Pepsi Max with ginseng and more caffeine". That sounds like the most disgusting thing ever. Also, it reminds me of Idiocracy so it instantly depressed me.

How I failed to get scammed in New York

2007-12-11T17:08:00.000-08:00

Though I am brash and outgoing there is a secret side to Tommaso that many of you may not know about: I am often preoccupied with not being scammed. Nobody wants to be scammed (or even flim-flammed) of course but the fear lies not in being scammed out of things - the fear is that being scammed will reveal that I am dumb.

Similarly, I am deeply ashamed of many times when - mostly as a child - I tried to scam people and failed. Again, this shame is not from having done wrong to others. None of my 9th grade classmates lost anything when I manage to convince them that I am blue-green color blind. It comes specifically from particularly poor attempts to trick people which revealed me to be an poor scammer. The most apt example for this is when I was 8 and tried to convince an Italian person that I was actually from just another part of Italy. Sorry 8 year-old Tom: that is just not going to work and your stupid for thinking it would. Also, take some Italian classes. It's much easier for you to learn it then than for me to learn it now.

Anyhow, that brings me to New York. When I got off the plane I found a long line of people waiting for cabs at the appoint stop. It was very official looking with guardrails and a long line of yellow cabs and would-be passengers. As I got to the end of the line ready to wait 10 or 20 minutes when a fellow walked up to me and asked "Where are you going?".

"Midtown" I say.

"Ok, let's go. I have a cab right here."

"How much is it?"

"$45"

"What the difference between your cab and the cab everyone else is lined up for?"

"No difference. I'm $45. They're $45."

I almost started loading up but then I thought, wait, is this guy trying to scam me? I ended up going back to the line and waiting like everyone else.

So, did I perilously escape being scammed? Or did I waste my time waiting in line when I could've left right away? I'm not completely sure. The best theory I could come up with is that cab's have to pay an extra fee to get passengers at the other guy was trying to scam his way out of it. I don't know. All I know is I arrived in comfort to my hotel.

Oh! I also walked by the Empire state building and found out that it costs $20 to visit the observation deck. "No thank you" I say; especially when the visibility is 0. Also, the Macy's Christmas display is really nice looking. The diorama of Santa delivering gifts to aliens on Pluto nearly made me cry.

Been Busy

2007-12-08T15:12:00.000-08:00

That's right. I've been busy! Busy with some work, yes, but also busy on my script. Remember that film adaptation of Sherlock Holmes set in the Co-ops I wrote when I was in college? The one I shot one scene for before realizing it was too large and ended up making this? No? Well, too bad for you. The ending still sucks but I'm still only on the first draft.

Also.

I've been playing Derek Yu's new video game which - let me tell you - rocks extremely the much. He did all the artwork for it and - as far as I know - some of the programming too. It's called Aquaria and it's on sale now for the low low price of $30. Seriously. Go buy it now!

Heading to New York

2007-12-04T13:52:00.000-08:00

I was just told that I'm going to New York next. The suddenness of this trip blurs the difference between being a spur-of-the -moment globe-trotting devil-may-care hyphen-abusing bohemian and a programmer/consultant. The main difference is that I will be working 9-5.

Since it's winter the sun goes down around 2:30pm about 3 hours after rising. This does not leave me much daylight to burn.

Mushrooms!

2007-11-20T17:57:00.001-08:00

Bret and Heidi took us out mushroom hunting on Saturday. We drove all the way up to Salt Point State Park. Getting there was not easy. Those windy roads and my poor driving skills caused one of our number to lose their breakfast. I will only add that it was done with level of grace and style that I have not seen even in the USCA.

The trip was well worth the effort however since Salt Point is literally infested with all manners of mushrooms. Not only did we find plenty of boletes (similar to porcini) but we also found a secret grove of Scaly Vase Chanterelle. Those were the only ones we ate but we found others of questionable safety which we did not eat. I found an impressive coral-looking mushroom that we can't quite identify.

Also, we found the guy pictured to the left. What you probably can't tell from the picture is that it is as big as my head. Also, not good to eat. Even if you are a hippy. Also, I'm told that it's illegal to possess if you know what it is. So don't tell me, folks!

On the long ride back we stopped at the beautiful Timber Cove Inn. Let that website be a lesson to you, kids: Don't save your photos as gifs. That's not what they're for. As a contrast, here is a picture from the Timber Cove property that is saved in the right format:

The company I work for just got bought

2007-11-15T13:13:00.000-08:00

No one is getting fired but all those stock options they were giving out like toilet paper are now worth like 90¢ a share. Hooray for me! I'm going to quit my job and become a professional beachcomber. Nah, just kidding.

My sister and the fire

2007-11-13T16:36:00.001-08:00

As some of you may know my family was near the fires in San Diego and had to evacuate at one point. My sister made this short video about it. Skip to the 1:30 mark to hear a hilarious phone conversation between my brother-in-law and my sister. Also, if you can write comments for this video at the SDReader site.

Facebook friends

2007-11-06T06:54:00.000-08:00

This facebook friends visualization is really awesome!

For extra credit find the following groups:

People I work with
Squelchers
People from Stebbins
People from Decadence
ASUC folk

Long time goal: Realized

2007-11-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

The Shoveler!

This Halloween I realized my dream to dress up as William H. Macy's character "The Shoveler" from Mystery Men. I realize it isn't the best costume, but it was something I said I would do a long time ago and I'm glad to have done it. Many thanks to Lydia for helping sew the vest and to Lisa for helping me hot glue the trim. Also, many thanks to Home Depot and their lenient return policy on shovels which I will be taking advantage of shortly.

I threw a post-Halloween party Saturday (pictures available through facebook) which was very fun. I think I like the idea of having a Halloween party after the actual holiday. Pumpkins were sooo cheap. Also, candy. In fact, even though I didn't buy any candy corn I somehow ended up with a whole bowl full by the end of the party. Any one interested in taking the candy corn off my hands should send me a self-address stamped envelope along with the lead lined gloves and apron I will need in order to handle the candy corn without retching.

Wild Fire!

2007-10-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

I visited San Diego this weekend. As you may have noticed, most of San Diego recently exploded in a fireball of fury. Fortunately the fire stopped just short of the unincorporated community of Rancho San Diego where my family lives. My sister and brother-in-law had to evacuate but then the winds shifted and they got to come back in time for my mom to return from Italy.

By the time I actually arrived my family was trying to de-evacuate which as you can imagine is much more time consuming. I took the opportunity to clean out my old room and donate the unwanted items to Goodwill. Hooray! I certainly hope they appreciate those National Geographics. My sister, who recently picked up the hobby of gaming coupons and rebates for free merchandise is donating bags and bags of drug-store items. Better than trying to get me to use it all. I mean, how much soap does one man need?

Seriously though, I appreciate the free soap, sis. Keep it coming.

I went to see Steel Canyon High school (pictured above) where people displaced by the fire were congregating. Bizarrely the fire stopped just across the street. You'd see this from the picture if my cell-phone camera didn't suck. You'll just have to take my word for it: San Diego hills are supposed to look dark brown - like highly flammable dried up plants - not black like burnt ones.

Also, my mom got me a new outfit while in Italy. Look forward to my fancy orange jacket. It is so orange it will blow your mind.

Scary Halloween costumes

2007-10-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

Check out the most disturbing children's Halloween costume ever. Yes, that's right. Though sorority girls have long used Halloween as an excuse to dress up like sexy gangsters, sexy Sherlock Holms, and sexy pirate this is the first year I've seen prepackaged sexy costumes for what basically amount to 12 year-olds.

This is messed up. Look, I don't think you have to dress your children in Army of God PJs but I do think that girls shouldn't be showing off their bust lines until junior year of high school at least (note: this is a position I did not hold while actually in high school). Call it the Quinceañera rule if you want.

The odd thing about this issue is how much agreement there is across the political spectrum. Left-wing feminist types (like me) don't like it and conservative can't be fans. I guess it goes to show that these kinds of cultural decisions aren't made by the politically active. It's made by people who, you know, think their daughters will be popular if they dress up like fetish stars.

Barbecue

2007-10-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

I was on-site with a client yesterday when I received a phone call from my brother-in-law. "Tom, if you had to save just one thing from your room (in your mom's house in San Diego) what would it be?" I didn't know how to answer but then I remembered that I had a bunch of papers from high-school in my closet. Also, Cracked magazines.

Well, it turns out my family has evacuated. Fortunately my mom's apartment has a vacancy so they're staying there and the winds are dying down so maybe the fires will be under control today.

Growing up in San Diego, I got used to fires and the Santa Ana winds. They make the air smell like barbecue for a few days. One of my fondest memories from my elementary school days was watching the wind pick up a sheet of newspaper and carry it up till it was too small to see - like a balloon. That, and the time managed to wrestle Roland Camacho to the ground in a game of keep-away. (The secret: Grab his head and toss him off balance when he's not looking). Yes, perhaps the Roland thing is a bit off-topic but it's still a cool story.

Update: Here's a bunch of photos of animals I caught recently on my phone:

My tiny feet

2007-10-16T12:19:00.000-07:00

I got new shoes recently and found that I was not the size 10.5 that I thought I was. instead, the best fitting shoes are actually 9.5 (wide). Well. That is odd. Isn't it? I mean, I'm 6 feet tall.

That is all.

Shout out!

2007-10-09T20:48:00.000-07:00

To all those who read me blog: I am not dead.

Vogler: Keep on keeping on.

Mr Strong: I haven't forgotten about you. Though your wayward children have forgotten about me! Grrr! Just kidding. I don't write to them, they don't write to me. Every once in a while I show up in San Diego and we reminisce. It's a simple system.

Everyone else: Holla.

How to cook a whole chicken

2007-10-02T19:04:00.001-07:00

This week I decided to cook a whole chicken. I got it from the oddly not-at-all busy meat counter at the Wholefoods that just opened up around the corner. Contrast this to Berkeley Bowl, where you must fight to get served and your just as likely to lose some meat as get it.

Also, the guy at Wholefoods offered to cut the chicken in pieces.

I've learned that if you're going to roast a chicken it pays to brine it first. I've done this enough times that I felt comfortable "freestyling" it. That's right. I used seasoning salt and celery seeds.

Overnighting it in the fridge made sure to infuse all the garlicy, bay-leafy, peppercorny flavor and all that remained was too cook it on a bed of carrots and potatoes (to catch the drippings: I like to use every part of the chicken). Also, kosher salt.

A hour of baking cooked the chicken, but the skin was not done so I finished it off with a quick pan-grilling (on my grill-pan). Who can resist? Not me.

Not me.

Seagulls

2007-09-24T21:00:00.000-07:00

As I left my apartment this morning I got the feeling that I was forgetting something. I wasn't 30 steps past my front door when I realized that I had forgot my cell-phone. And wallet. And keys.

Fortunately, this has happened before I I have come prepared: I always keep my Bart cards in my computer bag. What if I forget my computer bag, you might ask? Well, I have no business going to work if I don't have my computer with me.

While at work I saw Lisa on Google chat. She let me know that the Whole Foods next to our place is opening Wednesday. Hooray! Lydia is so happy she's throwing a party.

Walking home today I saw two seagulls eating muscles. When I walked by I scared one of them away from it's prize and found that though (s)he had still been picking at it, it was empty. Stupid seagulls.

It's hard to use celery in the amounts it is usually sold in. My trick: celery soup.

This annoying world

2007-09-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

Very often I find myself in situations where I'm expected to just know things that I don't in fact know. For example, what is the proper etiquette for riding a bus? You can pick up pretty quickly that sometimes you have to pull the cable to let the bus driver know, but sometimes the bus driver just stops of his own accord. How do you know which stops are required and which have to be asked for? And when are you supposed to pull the cord? Is it anytime after the last stop? Well, that makes sense if there are a limited number of "optional" stops (which are presumably widely known to everyone in the world but me). But maybe the bus driver is willing to stop just about anywhere. If that's the case you should pull the cord at the last possible moment so (s)he doesn't stop too early. But now you're in the business of gauging how quickly the bus driver can stop. Come on now! I've driven a van before but I have absolutely no experience driving a bus.

This happens a lot in my life. Am I particularly absentminded? Perhaps. Bu either way I'm stuck in a world where other people honestly think I should already know X,Y, and Z and plan on me knowing X,Y, and Z, and when I don't I'm the big jerk. I can't get mad at them since when they explain it slowly it makes perfect sense.

"Haven't you ever noticed that I always leave the house at 7:20?"

"No. I can honestly say that I've never noticed that before."

A short scene dramatizing my predicament:

Me: Which way do I turn the screwdriver to get it to go in?
Person: How do you not know that? Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.
Me: What does that even mean? The screwdriver is spinning. When I turn in this clockwise the top goes right but the bottom is going to the left, when I go counter-clockwise its the opposite.
Person: It applies to the top part, duh. It's much more obvious in dreamspace.
Me: I don't remember my dreams.
Person: Well, sure. But you can remember the ones you saved, right? By thinking about the red button?
Me: What are you talking about?
Person: How do you not know how to navigate dream-space using the quest button. My cousin figured it out and she's only 1 month old!
Me: That doesn't make any sense. How can you even talk to a one month old child?
Person: Jesus Tom. You don't have to talk to them: when they find the red button they glow turquoise. How do you not know this? Oh my god! Look, saber-raiders! Quick Tom! Higentate the flew-maven! NOW!

This annoying world!

Jury Duty

2007-09-19T05:26:00.000-07:00

I had jury duty yesterday. Though it was a little lame to fall behind on my office work, I looked forward to doing my civic duty. After arriving late I filed into the court room with everyone else and the judge started an altogether too long speech about how they hoped to not waste our time. I was called up as prospective juror #1. Having a last name nearer the end of the alphabet I was a little surprised to hear my name called first. (Did I change tenses too often in this paragraph?)

The defense attorney and the prosecutor gave their speeches and it soon became clear that the case involved felony burglary of an auto and it was strongly implied that the prosecution only had one eye-witness. We were eventually asked if we had ever been the victim of similar crimes and I offered the story of the time my bike was stolen (not quite the same, but close enough that I wanted to mention it). I think the prosecutor decided to nix me when I explained how I was unable to give a good description of the two losers who stole my bike half an hour after the event occurred.

Additionally, I finally realized how best to solve one of the fundamental problems with my bubble game: extend the ListIterator to return the vertices at the appropriate end-points! Will this make the game faster? I don't know. It will cut down on the code though.

Friends!

2007-09-13T06:47:00.000-07:00

My friend Heidi - who is too modest even to tell her next door neighbor that she has a blog - has a blog. Check it out. It features Zack with a pancake on his head. 'Nuff said. Additionally, the musical she wrote is getting a reading Oct 1... in New York. La de da! If you're going to be there, be here.

My friend Eric Vogler - the one person I can count on to follow this blog - should get a blog. This means you (if you are Eric Vogler [who you most assuredly are]). I suggest LyricFlugeler.blogspot.com. As you may know he's a talented musician. I'd think that would require a website but apparently not; he does good business without one. He is available for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

In a flagrant abuse of editorial power I will use this space to invite Zack to cook with me Saturday. What should we make? I say the cuisine of the American South looks inviting. Collard greens anyone?

Lisa and I have been entertaining house guests for the past couple days (including Peter from Decadence fame). We just bought a Tempurpedic so we have a spare mattress for them. In fact, since the Tempurpedic is replacing two mattresses we were able to offer our house guests another mattress when the first one was too soft for their liking.

I recently received a book from Amazon. I didn't remember ordering it but I remember that Kevin recommended it and was supposed to loan me his copy last time I saw him (though he forgot to bring it because he was getting married that day). I figured I must have ordered it and forgotten about it. Either way I enjoyed The Golden Age. It featured an extended subplot about people editing out certain memories. Perhaps that's what happened to me because I in fact never ordered the book. It turns out Kevin did. Thanks, Kevin!

The other day when I was sitting around waiting for the radioactive eggs to digest I stopped by campus to see the ol' squelch office. It's still pretty much like I remember it. In fact, Derek Yu's first squelch drawing is still posted!

Radioactive scrambled eggs!

2007-09-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

Though my heartburn is a lot better now my doctor's an I still want to get to the bottom of it so today I had some radioactive scrambled eggs so they could photograph my stomach in various states of digestion. Tasty!

Actually, no. Not tasty. Never were scrambled eggs served with such little care. I wasn't expecting an omelet station - still.

My birthday was last week and it was awesome. Thanks for coming, y'all. Also, my friend Brett threw a photo scavenger hunt. This one was for "I think I'm going to need a presidential pardon."

Genes!

2007-08-31T17:04:00.001-07:00

My birthday is tomorrow (you're invited to come by the way) and Lisa has given me my present early. It's a kit to send your DNA to the National Geographic Genographic Project which uses it to trace where your family came from. Granted it only traces back one line but that's still pretty interesting.

Since I am a guy and possess a Y chromosome in addition to the standard Mitochondrial DNA I have the choice to trace either my maternal line or my paternal line. This was a difficult choice. If I chose the maternal line then the information would be relevant to my mom and all of her family (which I hang out with more than my family on my father's side). On the other hand I am literally the only person we know with my particular Y chromosome - I'm an only son like my father and his father only had one brother who died unmarried (and childless). We don't know about my great-grandfather and my guess is that it would be difficult to find out.

In the end I chose to trace my Y chromosome since my sister wants to do the test some day as well and she can only do the maternal line. My guess is that the DNA test will reveal nothing besides the fact that my family has lived in Italy for a long long time. Still, it could be surprising and it's just the thing to feed my genetics obsession.

On an unrelated note: who are the ad-geniuses who came up with this one?

Three subject which have nothing to do with each other

2007-08-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

I am now in possession of a new cell-phone. It is fancy and does a lot of things my old phone could not. For example, it can log in to IM and take photos and record sound. These are all awesome features. Additionally the undead are repelled by it's otherworldly glow. Actually I made that up. The undead are indifferent to my cell-phone's otherworldly glow.

Speaking of the undead and glowing, Lisa and I saw Startdust last night. It's a pretty good fantasy flick with some decent effects (though the CGI seemed a few years out of date). Most importantly it stared Claire Danes who is a competent actress and pretty to look at too. This film is noteworthy in being the first fantasy flick I've seen with overt reference to homosexuality. Veiled references have of course been a staple of the genre for years.

Also, my company is working on the next version of their software and I know it may be nerdy to say but, wow, does it look good. The big news is that we're getting rid of frames. This move shouldn't be controversial but it is. Evidently, some people I work with commute directly from 1997.

Pictured above: A picture shot with my cell-phone of me at work looking at a possibly gay character from fantasy fiction.

On being able to eat

2007-08-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

It's really incredible to be able to eat food again. When I was having really bad heartburn I had to avoid everything tasty: beer, cheese, tomato, onions, meats, etc. Even a slice a pizza would cause me to have heartburn so bad that I couldn't even sit down. But yesterday I had a pizza with extra cheese with absolutely no problem. I will be concentrating on fatty foods now to get back up to "skinny" instead of looking "unhealthy".

The pill that I'm taking was originally used in much larger doses for anti-depression. Fortunately the active dose for heartburn relief is about a quarter of the active dose for anti-depression so there are no psychological effects. When I've told people about my taking the pill though I've found myself going to great lengths to explain the lack of psychoactive effects since mental issues are really taboo.

Yesterday I did the pre-registration for a "Barostat motility" test over the phone. The nurse asked me a bunch of questions one of which was "what medications are you taking". I answered that I was only taking the one pill for heartburn. She seemed incredulous but took down my answer. Later when we got to the the question about psychological issues I said "No. I have no history of psychological issues." and she said "Ok, I'll put down 'Denies but is taking this medication.'.".* I thought she was joking at first but then I realized she was serious. Weird.

* Notice the proper nesting of quotes and periods. This is what English would look like if it were well-formed.

Houston

2007-08-02T19:37:00.001-07:00

For the second time in my professional career I have been asked to return to a client I had previously visited because they liked me so much the first time they wanted me back*. Hooray for me. I get to return to Houston where the forecast is 90 degrees with 90% humidity and a 90% chance of rain.

In Texas, even the barometric pressure is big.

I was advised that I could get dinner at "the village" which is near rice university. They have lots of pubs there but I was looking for more of a restaurant type deal. After walking around in the ridiculous heat I spotted a restaurant down the street which seemed to promise "Texas restaurant". I like to get local food when I travel (even if it is always barbecue) so I headed that way. When I drew nearer I realized that it said "Tapas restaurant".

The Tapas was good.

I'm staying at probably the fanciest hotel I've ever been in. It's a Hilton and they must have put me in the wrong room or something: it's bigger than my apartment. It has a bedroom with two beds and a living room and two bathrooms. I checked the desk earlier while looking for some writing paper. All I found was a paperback stuck in there. I assumed it was the Gideons bible but found instead, that it was a book by Conrad Hilton described as "A towering story of success and inspiration in the life and legend of the world's premier hotelier".

Sounds riveting.

*Is this sentence redundant or does it repeat?

The plot thickens

2007-07-31T08:19:00.001-07:00

I lost my phone on Friday and on Saturday someone used it to make a bunch of calls to El Salvador. Notice however that 9 minutes after the last call (which lasted 85 minutes) a call is made to a number in Irvine. Unlike the other numbers this one does not seem to be for a Spanish speaker but is instead the number of someone who claims - on their answering machine message - to have lost their phone recently. Could it be that after making some long-distance calls the finder turned it in to the lost and found who used the phone to contact someone who they thought might be the rightful owner? Is this wishful thinking? Perhaps. Think about it, won't you?

Update: The last call is to a number listed for a company called Body Essence Massage Therapy. Perhaps this is an old listing.